Tuesday, November 30, 2010

To live with no other thought,

than to love and be loved by you.

what if were all going to die tomorrow

Then I want to be with you. I want to lay next to you and tell you how much I love you. I want to make you feel like you're the most amazing person in the world. Because I haven't felt emotion in over a year. I love you and I want to keep you. This is where we belong, this is where we're staying.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Remember Me

Today is so mediocre, no matter how much happened last night that should be making my mind race back and forth, it really isn't. I'm just calm, just breathing and living in the moment. But what is today without you? What is today without your voice? What is today without your eyes? Your smile and your smell. I wish we were talking but maybe its okay that there is this gap of time without you. it gives us time to get our minds straight and gives us time to miss each other. But fuck, I miss you the moment I walk the opposite direction. Tell me everything. Tell me everything that runs through your head.

Is awful. Mom found out about last night, she called during class saying she's taking me for a test.. I'm clean but I can't believe she won't give up on this. She isn't even legally able to drag me and have a doctor stick a needle in my arm. I will do it though, just for that good feeling I had last time I proved her wrong. I just feel so stupid that I don't think this shit through. Maybe I just don't care. Or I'm dumb. I think I'm just forgetting to care. But as dull as the day was, everytime I looked out the window and stared at the sky and all it's elements I thought of you. And I smiled, sincerely and remembered that everything is alright. That I have you and one word from you can make me forget everything. I realized I had to see you.

Now I'm sitting in my bed wearing this sweater you gave me waiting for the phone to ring. I can't focus on anything else, I'm losing it. But it feels right.

Day 4

I feel like I cracked up, no coffee, thats why. Ah thank god I realized this. I won't make the mistake tomorrow. I had one too many and I won't give up. I have got to be perfect for you. For all of you.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Day 3...

Holding up holding up holding up. I feel good standing in front of my mirror and smiling at myself this morning. Pulling on my clothes and feeling comfortable. I'm proud of myself, really, I usually never have this much self control when it comes to remembering why I need to say no and look the other way. But I did it today. I did it yesterday and I did it Friday. I hope I don't break tomorrow. How I felt ten minutes ago in my bathroom using the sink as a clutch was hell.. and I never want to feel that again. So I'm not stopping. 27 days to go. So little.. So close.. So tired.

I Need Time Away

Because things go from good to bad, from love to fear way too fast around here. As much as has been said I still can't forget the feeling. I want out. I want to go see Stephen. Thousands of kilometers away from here where he is. Because he would remember, and remind me.
But I still gotta keep moving, moving against the wind. Someone once told me that was the only way to fly.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Maybe you're afraid of what you might say.

So if I asked you about art you could give me the skinny on every art book ever written...Michelangelo? You know a lot about him I bet. Life's work, criticisms, political aspirations. But you couldn't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. And if I asked you about women I'm sure you could give me a syllabus of your personal favorites, and maybe you've been laid a few times too. But you couldn't tell me how it feels to wake up next to a woman and be truly happy. If I asked you about war you could refer me to a bevy of fictional and non-fictional material, but you've never been in one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him draw his last breath, looking to you for help. And if I asked you about love I'd get a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been truly vulnerable. Known that someone could kill you with a look. That someone could rescue you from grief. That God had put an angel on Earth just for you. And you wouldn't know how it felt to be her angel. To have the love be there for her forever. Through anything, through cancer. You wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand and not leaving because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term "visiting hours" didn't apply to you. And you wouldn't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself, and you've never dared to love anything that much. I look at you and I don't see an intelligent confident man, I don't see a peer, and I don't see my equal. I see a boy. Nobody could possibly understand you, right Will? Yet you presume to know so much about me because of a painting you saw. You must know everything about me. You're an orphan, right? Do you think I would presume to know the first thing about who you are because I read "Oliver Twist?" And I don't buy the argument that you don't want to be here, because I think you like all the attention you're getting. Personally, I don't care. There's nothing you can tell me that I can't read somewhere else. Unless we talk about your life. But you won't do that. Maybe you're afraid of what you might say.

I don't know how to deal with you..

I tried so hard, and honestly last night felt golden, I felt like I did a good thing for once. I thought to myself, this is the beginning, and it's going in the right direction, this feels right, this is right, I'll pull you out, this is already a progress. The look on your face, there was hope, somewhere deep inside, there was hope. I should have looked twice, because it was all blown away a couple of hours later. I mean, I expected this, but you saw my reaction, you knew perfectly how it made me feel and you said, you told me you wouldn't do it. I had no idea how far in you are, I did not realize it has gone this far. Why am I even tryng? I don't even know what I'm talking about, who am I? This isn't even reality, this is all a dream..

It was a dream, not a nightmare, a beautiful dream I could never imagine in a thousand nods. There was a girl next to me who wasn't beautiful until she smiled. And I felt that smile come at me in heat waves following, soaking through my body and out my finger tips in shafts of color and I knew somewhere in the world, somewhere, that there was love for me.

fuck, this is the worst entry so far

Thursday, November 25, 2010

This Is Surreal..

This feeling makes me forget I ever knew of reality. Sitting on the subway and feeling as devoted as I did the night before, looking at my own reflection then past it into the darkness and feeling you somewhere out there in the world. Walking, breathing, hopefully smiling. Thoughts, so many thoughts through my head, too many so my head shuts down. So I just smile. Because even if there is hardly any clarity at this moment, I know how I feel about you. I am proud to call you a friend.

Can I hit it in the morning?

Baby you summertime fine, I let you get on top, I be the underline.
Im trying to get beside you like the number 9, dime..
You fine as hell, I guess I met you for a reason, only time can tell.
But well, I'm wondering what type of shit you wantin’

Do you like the finer things or you a simple woman?
Would you drink with a n-gga, do you smoke weed?
Don’t be ashamed, it aint no thing,
I used to blow trees, gettin lifted.
I quit but shit, I might get high with you.
And can I hit it in the morning?
And can I hit it in the morning?
The sun rising while you moanin.
And can I hit it in the morning?

Uh, baby you winter time cold.
The night is still young, drink that dinner wine slow
I’m trying to make the goose bumps on your inner thigh show.
I’ll let you beat me there as far as finish lines go.

dance with the devil

he used to fuck moviestars and sniff coke in his dreams
a corrupted young mind, at the age of thirteen

nigga never had a father and his mom was a feind

she put the pipe down, but forever yeah she was sober

her sons heart simultaneously grew colder
he started hanging out selling bags in the projects

I'm so close.

I've gotten so far this month. I'm beginning to really like the way things are. I just need to get a little further. A little further for you. I want to be the perfect puzzle piece to fit you. I will get there, and you will see it and together we will change everything. Nothing is impossible now.  I give myself 30 days. Fuck two months, fuck anything more. Give me 30 and I will change everything. For you, for myself, for the beauty I can gift this world. Today is November 25th. Today is day 1. This is the one thing I am not willing to fuck up, because I have wanted this for so long. I will smile in the mornings when the sun and the shadows illuminate my skin and bones. You will wrap your arms around me and you’ll distinguish the spark. It will be perfect, and it will get easier everyday.

I don't need anything else.

"Unlike a couple though we have something more genuine and comfortable, we're like an old married couple."

"You just blew my mind." 

I can't stop smiling.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

To live.

In Over My Head..

...and attempting to give a fuck....30%....50%...80%...20%

I don't remember the last time I invested so much time and emotion into one person. Why are you not answering? I hope you’re okay, I hope you kept your promise; I hope you meant what you said. Because these days, you light up my life.

“All Along” playing all the time, this jean jacket, tea, the sun is out, I’m smiling. I hope you know I’m not just doing this to help myself. I haven’t really thought too much about what you asked me. But I know you’re special. I know you’re more than just another person; you feel like a part of me that was detached a long time ago and put into this world to cope on its own. I feel responsible for you. I hope this isn’t too pathetic. I hope I’m not being naive as I always am. I think these walls are put up not to block people out, but to see who is willing to take them down. I want to be on the inside. I want to be the real definition of a friend, not by the standards of the 21 century, but by the standards of love. I need to stop...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I need you now, and I'll hold on to it, please don't let it pass you by.

I'm fucking ecstatic. My head actually hurts. I feel so so good. My mind is racing just like my heart. I can't even calm down. This is what I need, this is perfect. I just wish I could feel it all. More more more more more. 

"To live with no other thought than to love and be loved by me."

I can still feel you.

Maybe tomorrow, you'll come back.

Every morning, every night.

Sometimes it all hits me in the face, and I feel like this feeling will never go away. I will never get over you. Everything we could have had. The first time we spoke, your voice, the way you brought me into a world of my own where  nothing mattered. The only time I actually feel anything is when I write about you. I have never felt this way about anything I have lost in the past. Knowing that you are still alive on this planet, happy with someone who hates me. Knowing that you love somebody who is not me. Remembering the night you stayed up until 7 am until I finally spoke to you. The song that was playing. How you just want to tell me that you love me but you can't, how you just want to make all of this go away, in your sweater, in your arms. How much my heart still stings whenever I hear it, you are the yellow line in the subway, you are the extra drink every friday night. You're the stinging feeling everytime I open my eyes in the morning. The walk to the bus, the 808s and heartbreak forever on repeat. I can't even bring myself to be around you anymore. You smile at the pain in my eyes, and you called me heartless.

Heart is in the right place, Brain is in the dirt.

One day, Three autumns

On the shore a bat, possibly an umbrella
Disengaged itself from the shrubbery,
Causing the nearby to recollect the miseries of childhood


Tapewarm diet
Tongue patch diet
Balloon Procedure

I can't believe this shit is real. Putting a cestoda into your body to live and grow inside your stomach and eat all your food for you just so you fit your clothes a little better. Sewing a cloth to your tongue so you are not physically able to put food into your mouth... Putting a blastic fucking ball just so you are not able to fit food inside of you. I cannot believe that people take this shit like it's normal. But then again, I'm not one to talk.

Inglourious Basterds and Nazi-Occupied France

            In German-occupied France, a young Jewish girl by the name of Shosanna Dreyfus witnessed the death of her whole family by the hand of a Nazi Colonel Hans Landa. Scarcely, she escapes the execution and escapes to Paris where she changes her identity and becomes the owner and operator of a cinema. In another location somewhere in Europe Lieutenant Also Raine gets together a group of soldiers of Jewish descent to engage in targeted acts of justice against the Nazis. This team known as “The Bastereds”. A German actress and undercover agent by the name of Bridget Von Hammersmark joins their team. Their grand goal to take down The Third Reich converges under a cinema marquee, where Shosanna is ready to carry out a revenge plan of her own.
            The German occupation of France during War World II happened between 1940 and 1944. After the French Allies were defeated by the German military in the Battle of France, an agreement was signed stating that the north and west of France was under the occupation of the German Army. The rest of unoccupied France was labelled as the ‘zone libre’, which stayed to be fully controlled by the Vichy government. The male population of the French regions of Alsace and Lorraine were subjected to serve Germany’s military.
            In 1940 around 90, 000 and 26% of France’s total population of 350,000 were Jewish. During the mass arrest by Nazi authorities on July 16th and 17th, 1942, more than 13,000 victims were Jews, to be later transported to Auschwitz where they were exterminated. For the period of the occupation France has approximately 49 concentration camps. However, the census of Jewish deportees from France concluded that 3,000 had died in French concentration camps and 1,000 more had been shot. 76, 000 have been deported out of which only 2,566 had survived.
            France had begun their war with Germany on September 3rd, 1939 shortly after the German invasion of Poland. After the eight-month war in which France was losing, the Germans put all their powers on the west in May 1940. In a couple of days, it became obvious that the French were intimidated and their military was going to collapse. 

Should I get this tattoed?

Monday, November 22, 2010

I love how he makes me feel. 
Like I can do anything.
Like life is worth it.

did i say forever

me: cause you want, something..you want the truth, kind of, you want
something thats authentically, honest, and im like,the fakest copy of..I dont even know.
Sam: Ahahahahaa, that's actually hilarious that you say that, right before you said "you hate me",i was about to say
(swear to bajesus) that you're one of the most real people i know, by far.
me:thats weird

And this is coming from someone I really look up to, he also mentioned how this blog has depth. Probably not the depth you think we're taking about, not the emotional kind, just a different way of expressing myself that I guess works for me.
The point is, people that get to know me seem to be really happy with who I am and I am constantly told that I am way too hard on myself. I was raised to be.
But I want to help my friends. Because I've been through my own idea of hell and I sure don't want my friends going through it. Whatever it might be. The world is complex. I will try and do this for you; simplify, simplify. Because to an organized mind, death is just another great adventure.

I would be lying if I said I don't feel vulnerable right now. I'm trusting you. And I want you to trust me. I don't know what it is about people like you, I haven't felt normal emotions in such a long time and now you're here and I feel like I've known you forever. You bring me back to innocence, bliss. I want to remind you of where you're coming from. I want you to feel how good you make me feel. Because you do, I look forward to speaking to you everyday.

You toss all the mornings lost to the clouds and you watch it go
Your fairwell friends on a parachute binge get lost when the wind blows
The handshake's stuck on the tip of my tongue
It tastes like death but it looks like fun

this is all

You know..

I dream sometimes about flying. It starts out like I’m running really, really fast. I’m like, superhuman. And the terrain starts to get really rocky and steep. And then I’m running so fast that my feet aren’t touching the ground. And I’m floating, and it’s like this amazing, amazing realness. I’m free. I’m safe. Then I realize… I’m completely alone. And then I wake up.

This actually DEFINES you, bestie.


What just happened? I'm slipping without any awareness...

I don't know what it was that made me believe that I was doing good in school, I was so sure, I got 80s-90s on my assignments and tests I feel like vomiting when looking at this report card. Needless to say my mother has given up on my marks a long time ago, but now, wow, it really hit me. I need to work. I need to focus, I need help, whats the point...whats the point...

I feel like I'm beginning to go back down that path that I was going down this time last year.. But this time it's different. It's more of a numb feeling. For the lack of better words; I don't feel like I really care about anything. My birthday really broke me. My mother really broke me. Me and Alex were talking about this and we both sort of froze up at the sentence of "I don't understand the gene in Russian people that makes them so heartless." All I want is my mom back. I need that unconditional love I used to have so much of. I need it. I'm scaring myself.

Tweeking like crazy second period and lunch and no one even knew, I kept staring at my phone, I wanted to talk to E about it because at least he'd understand but he was on his own trip. I took more, I snapped at B. I sat back and closed my eyes and saw nothing, blank. I did not feel anything, I did not think of anyone as more than an image in my head. I remembered this feeling, the first time I felt it, the last time I felt it.

I miss you.

tumblr is amazing

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Can I, Can I Save You From You?

Cause you notice something missing in that champagne you been sipping,

Isn't supposed to make you different all the time, 

It's starting to feel like the wrong thing to do, 

I believe in people like you.

I swear I always fall for your type,

Tell me why I always fall for your type?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Happy Barfday

         As you may have heard before, Ghandi said that everything you do in life will be insignificant. But it is very important that you do it, because no one else will. On my 16th birthday I thought of what people would think and say if I suddenly abandoned this world. How would people feel? I know if one of my closest friends came to end their life I would give up, on everything. The hope they granted me when we met, the hope that there are still good people in this world and the hope that I am able to be happy. The ladder they built for me, the belief that there is something at the end of that ladder, is what they gave me; something to believe in. If they left this world, they would take all the hope with them. Everything they have taught me that has saved me from myself, in reality they did not believe themselves. Do you know what it's like to realize that everything you believed in is complete and utter bullshit? I sure as hell do not want my friends to find out. In this period of my life that is the purpose my friends serve, they bring me back to that place that I thought did no exist past my baby cradle. A place of no battle, loss, insecurity, when nothing mattered but the moment and it's beauty. A blank slate, far away from everything that I have been exposed to on this planet. So I sat here, thinking about how meaningless our existence is. Every-time I smiled, it quickly faded because "what is the point" ran through my head. Then I looked up at the sun and I realized; that is the point, that is the purpose, the exact same one that my friends have. In the Vietnam war, was there really a purpose for the horror? Does anyone even remember "what the point" was? Of course not. But why did the soldiers carry on in the battle? Why did they fight? For each other.
     In my point of view, humans do not belong on Earth anyways. We put holes in the ozone layer and holes in the ground just to fuel our own unnecessary pleasures. Animals live for the planet. But humans, we live for each other, and that, is the meaning. Just like the sun, when I look up at it and all my sorrow inside the bell jar I have created for myself evaporates. So just like my favorite star, we have a purpose. To light up each other's lives, to make the scary shadows and the voices in my head come to an end.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I don't know what has been going on in my head lately.




The Short Scale of Life

Skinny Skinny Skinny

I miss you

I want you back

I hate you





I have gone insane. Every time I get really happy the thought that nothing in the world is worth anything comes to mind. I'm sitting there and Jay is telling me all these things that are making so much sense and would have made me happy about two months ago. But in the back of my head is "I'll be gone soon. I won't exist. Therefore this does not matter." Where did all my emotions go? This is what I wanted for the longest time. To be just a robot for my teenage years. But there is still fear; everything else has evaporated but not this black cloud over my head. Words come in sounds and circle around my ears and evaporate. Everything is moving so slow, I don't even know what perception is.

Touch; electronic signals being sent to my brain, I feel, I touch, but there is no reaction. It's just my skin, my hands, the constant thought of the end.

I tried the one thing I have stayed furthest from my whole life; religion. Because I need to believe in something in order to have purpose in my life. There; I do not believe in anything.

I listened to the priest read his book and the first time in weeks I felt something. "The Afterlife" Something to live for. Hope that this is not the end, hope that there is meaning in this life. Hope that I will meet you again. For a couple of hours I felt alive.

I went through this two years ago when me and Tom started talking, and he completely changed the person that I was. I was like every other person just living without the need of having a reason to. We talked for hours, conversation about how in one hundred years I won't be remembered and nothing I do now will have an affect on the future. Nothing exists, everything is just an idea, and everything is just an illusion. Things seemed simple for a while;

I am human, I am an animal

I have emotions; they are chemicals inside my brain

I live, for pleasure

School, I will grow up, get a job, provide myself with all the necessities to feel good

I am in a relationship; to feel good, about myself, about the world, mental, physical, all chemicals

6 billion people

You die, it doesn't matter, there are another 5 999 999 999 of you. Did I write that right?

I've been on the sobriety train for a while now; I can no longer write.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


It's been a while since I have written down anything that goes through my head. So much has changed, but so little really.
I have finally settled here in my school, the people are growing on me. I just feel like my mind is clouded. I went down to Haig yesterday, saw O, we're dating now by the way.. Feels so weird saying that. Am I doing the right thing?
Its so sad how my love for these people depends on how much I want to love someone at this point in my life. I don't even know if there are real feelings.

ah my fucking time ran out,
mind paid to rememberance day.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

is there a point?

floating away isn't rough but it's 
not enough
oh marianne, pass me the joint
the sandpaper's tan
go-getters are surfing the point
and london's a scratch on the lens it's over before it begins.

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