Downhill

What just happened? I'm slipping without any awareness...

I don't know what it was that made me believe that I was doing good in school, I was so sure, I got 80s-90s on my assignments and tests I feel like vomiting when looking at this report card. Needless to say my mother has given up on my marks a long time ago, but now, wow, it really hit me. I need to work. I need to focus, I need help, whats the point...whats the point...

I feel like I'm beginning to go back down that path that I was going down this time last year.. But this time it's different. It's more of a numb feeling. For the lack of better words; I don't feel like I really care about anything. My birthday really broke me. My mother really broke me. Me and Alex were talking about this and we both sort of froze up at the sentence of "I don't understand the gene in Russian people that makes them so heartless." All I want is my mom back. I need that unconditional love I used to have so much of. I need it. I'm scaring myself.

Tweeking like crazy second period and lunch and no one even knew, I kept staring at my phone, I wanted to talk to E about it because at least he'd understand but he was on his own trip. I took more, I snapped at B. I sat back and closed my eyes and saw nothing, blank. I did not feel anything, I did not think of anyone as more than an image in my head. I remembered this feeling, the first time I felt it, the last time I felt it.

I miss you.