Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The roughest you've ever had.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

In Your Head; Zombie

If I was capable of finding the words to express how you make me feel I would write pages just to put you in my shoes for that moment. I would watch you as you drowned in the longing and the sorrow and the obsolute, bottomless pit of emptiness. And then I would ask you "Are you okay?"
But obviously I cannot write.

Skip to two years ago in my room. With our matress covering the window and the room is filled with darkness and nothing else except for you and I and way too many ashtrays. We spent hours, days in this sanctruary we created for ourselves. We were so in love, because there wasn't anyone else to love, everything else had seized to exist. 

I forget just why I taste, oh yeah I guess it makes me smile, I find it hard it's hard to find, oh well whatever, nevermind. 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Just 22 days to departure..

And we're high above in the Paris' golden skyline.  
Please let this all be over now, baby blue.

Monday, June 20, 2011

5th day off ritalin

The fuck I'm so happy.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Between a strawberry banana split and a cigarette, you are my moment of clarity.

And one day you'll find that support, one day it will be what you were looking for and you will have everything you deserve.
I can only hope now-
No no, you'll be happy.
You're a strong person, you've made yourself strong. You did this all by yourself.

And right now, in this moment I know the only thing between us is physical distance. Tonight, whether it be a mistake or not, I took my walls down. I've never wanted to just wrap my arms around someone so much. Thank you for truly being there, for understanding and most of all, thank you for existing.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Here we go again. Months, days and now evidently years hardly change anything. This feeling has been buried so deep inside of me but all it took is your voice. An apology, for the trouble, for my hell. Here we are a year and a half later, and the first day we met is the most vivid instant in my mind. Here we are gripping on to the memories. Wishing we were capable of everything back then that we are of now. And just like the smell of the grass I thought I had forgotten, all the feelings are revealing themselves under the melting snow.
I can't help but imagine removing your head.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Don't let me forget.

Finland's sun, stretching across the snow covered horizon. I'm running so fast, I can't stop I hear them yelling after me but I just cant stop. And there are his arms, my father carries me back. Those sun rays are so vivid right now, I want this moment to last, time is standing still. The world looked gold. Your arms were gold. Your eyes were the ocean. The sky, the sky was all vanilla. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Can’t get out of bed because everything is sore, happy Tuesday morning, get ready to take on the day and each morning begins with "we'll see how you feel."

Sitting in class in a complete daze. Find out your mother called the school looking for you. You’re so lost, no one can find you.

A girl came to our class to show us her documentary on her international-coop in Equator. You can leave this country for three months to help people that seem to live on another planet. You can help animals. You get six university credits and a life changing experience. You are granted with a new perspective. You are granted with appreciation for life. You are granted with the great escape. Seeing the smile on my face she handed me the signup sheet and I wrote down my name, well, this might be my salvation.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

the weekend is a different reality

For K.H. My first.

Get back on track on Sunday.
Go home,
Take a bath,
Catch up on reading,
Watch a movie,
Clean the house,
Sit in the sun,
Do the laundry,
Take your meds,
Speak to mother,

Friday, June 3, 2011


Why was this not done a year ago? It's done now.
"Great! Finally, now we can all be one big happy fucking family!"
And that is what we are (:

2:30, I'm beginning to hear voices.

I really need to talk to someone right now before I do anything stupid. On edge and I'm being pushed and pushed and pushed and I can't sleep because everytime I close my eyes you're all getting murdered. Who the fuck can I call? FUCK FUCK FUCK I'm slipping and it's fucking scary. Remember when you told me you're there for me, multiple times, you said you'd do what it takes to make things better? Oh fuck, you were drunk and feeling guilty, I need to remember the difference.. You don't know what it means to be there for somebody. You don't know what it means to be there for me. Everything has lost it's meaning. Everything. God I will gve anything to keep my sanity, I want to live, I really fucking want to live.
I feel this great, great pressure coming down on me…
and its constantly coming down on me…
crushing me… 
"But if you wake up, will you be mad?"
Ben where the fuck are you I love you to this day but I can't do this on my own anymore.

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