I don't know what has been going on in my head lately.


Order,

Trash

Withdrawal

The Short Scale of Life

Skinny Skinny Skinny

I miss you

I want you back

I hate you

Coffee

Blank,

Blank,

Blank.



I have gone insane. Every time I get really happy the thought that nothing in the world is worth anything comes to mind. I'm sitting there and Jay is telling me all these things that are making so much sense and would have made me happy about two months ago. But in the back of my head is "I'll be gone soon. I won't exist. Therefore this does not matter." Where did all my emotions go? This is what I wanted for the longest time. To be just a robot for my teenage years. But there is still fear; everything else has evaporated but not this black cloud over my head. Words come in sounds and circle around my ears and evaporate. Everything is moving so slow, I don't even know what perception is.

Touch; electronic signals being sent to my brain, I feel, I touch, but there is no reaction. It's just my skin, my hands, the constant thought of the end.

I tried the one thing I have stayed furthest from my whole life; religion. Because I need to believe in something in order to have purpose in my life. There; I do not believe in anything.

I listened to the priest read his book and the first time in weeks I felt something. "The Afterlife" Something to live for. Hope that this is not the end, hope that there is meaning in this life. Hope that I will meet you again. For a couple of hours I felt alive.

I went through this two years ago when me and Tom started talking, and he completely changed the person that I was. I was like every other person just living without the need of having a reason to. We talked for hours, conversation about how in one hundred years I won't be remembered and nothing I do now will have an affect on the future. Nothing exists, everything is just an idea, and everything is just an illusion. Things seemed simple for a while;

I am human, I am an animal

I have emotions; they are chemicals inside my brain

I live, for pleasure

School, I will grow up, get a job, provide myself with all the necessities to feel good

I am in a relationship; to feel good, about myself, about the world, mental, physical, all chemicals

6 billion people

You die, it doesn't matter, there are another 5 999 999 999 of you. Did I write that right?



I've been on the sobriety train for a while now; I can no longer write.