True or false it may be, she's still out to get me

I never really talk about this. This state of mind, how it makes me feel.

I'm sitting here, my neck feels so hot. I'm hungry.
Forgetting all insecurities I have towards the world.

My heart is skipping beats. I need to relax.


Sue the spiders
Sink the Welsh
Stab your facebook
Sell sell sell
Undercooked
Overdone
Mass adulation not so funny
Poisoned honey
Pseudo science
Silly money
You're my honey 


I think I'm good, still just need to grab some food. Going to watch Entourage. Hmm back to the topic. I can't really describe this an emotional feeling anymore. It's become more physical. I can feel my heart beating, I can hear it to be more exact, but its like its racing between my rib cage and spinal cord. I can feel the blood in my veins moving, fast. Music is tickling my ears. If you play an old song that once made you euphoric, your mood will completely change and you'll feel amazing. I don't know if I can write more right now because I just want to lay down and fucking enjoy this.


Lots of love,
Kate.

What did I just do?

R called. 
"Come out, I'm standing in front of your house."


Why won't he leave me alone? I made it clear what I want last time things got too far. What I felt back in June is gone and what happened at 3 am on August 8th isn't supposed to happen again.


"Just come out, I'll buy you smokes."


We walk, hardly talk, I just walk looking at him as his music blasts out of his beats, his eyes are so red. I didn't tell you I saw him the other day too, before going to Kate's.


We lay on the grass, talking, he keeps moving closer and closer, takes my hand.


"Why do you do this?"
"Cause you're K.R." He leans in. "You've got that extra spice. I don't kiss girls. I just.. But all I wanna do is kiss you. We're in a parking lot, how far can we go in a parking lot? Obviously I just want to kiss you. Get at me over here."


I rolled one too many times today..

No big deal, just a kiss.

Fucking finally ahahhaha!


Last night was amazing. Today; terrible. 


Also mom told me I'm not going to New York with her... PARTY TIME?


A snapped at me yesterday.

Come on skinny love, just last the year.

6 Opiums and a Bloody Nose

I had an amazing night.


Everyone was at Kate's, we spent the most amazing evening together, even me and A are talking again and on great terms. So many photos...


We're driving back at 2:30 and the car breaks down. Why must this happen now? My mom is going to beat me to death.


And that is exactly what happened. Half to death. My phone is disconnected, she's screaming the same shit as always; move out, no one's ever going to love you, you're the worst person alive....ahhahahahaa.


K called the moment I turned my phone on, she asked if I was okay and if I needed anything, I just listened to her voice that seemed like it was so far away and thought about how lucky I am to have such a good friend like that. It's funny though, how I always pay attention to everyones problems, and then when something like this happens between me and my mom everyone just sort of freezes, and says they love me but can't fully relate. K, H, B, even I, all of them.
Where do I get strength from now?


The keys are so blurry.

Style; Entry # 1 ; Carven

Well first of all, everything has been great, have been with Kate for the past 48 hours, last night was wild... Trying to calm down now, picked up the fall's edition of "Holts" and came upon an entry about Guillaume Henry and his 'silhouettes enamored with Parisian charm, elegant simplicity and playful impertinence'. I usually don't even go near a Holts, but this was so pleasant to see.

  

I Need Your Heart, Because You're Always In the Right Place.

Talking to Z, he really helps. I ranted on for a bit how unfair it is that A is wasting time chopping some next bimbo while I'm here... 
Thank god, in the middle he just went;


"Where do you see yourself in ten years?"


I stopped, thinking yeah I have this answer I always had it but this time I was stuck. I'm not even sure anymore. I always wanted the beautiful city, the beautiful people, I wanted to travel and live with someone I loved. So I told him that. Then I added that none of that mattered as much my desire to be happy. 


He just said;
"Traveling, trying different weed and girls."
"But don't you want to find one that completes you? So you can discover everything together?"
"I've found out that relationships don't work for me. I just don't see myself in another one."
"But don't you think you're saying that only because you're so young? Every relationship is different, you can't let that one that ended badly make that decision for you."
"Words of wisdom, maybe one day I'll find somebody but I wouldn't mind living single forever."


I wish I could say that for myself, but I think I was born to love, or something.


Today felt lonely. Third day. K said she felt sick and is staying in all day, plus it was raining. I made plans with B and C but later on felt like staying in. Went on a walk, bought butts, coffee, got home to a family dinner, everyone on my stepdads side. O was there with her boyfriend. We went upstairs, got drunk and talked about relationships and the never-ending problems to do with them. I love talking.


Messaged Jesse, it was so out of nowhere, me and him went out for a couple of hours until really late, we talked about everything. I see him differently now. 

Infinite.

I just finished "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", like people said, it was amazing. It wasn't breathtaking like some books that made history, but it made me think, and it gave me a different perspective, which I really enjoyed. I like the feeling it gave me is what I'm trying to say. He worded things the way my brain words my thoughts in my head. I really loved it, I wish I lived during that time, too. It seems so beautiful in my kind of beautiful way. I wish it lasted longer than three days.


I feel good, I'm craving a bellie though, badly. I was with H yesterday and I literally killed myself over how badly I craved one. Just when I thought it would never happen.. Ahaha. I haven't done much in the past two days expect read and listen to people rant on about their lives. I like it. 
I'm going to cherry beach tomorrow with Kate and J and a few others I think.
She really became like my sister. Wednesday night we all went to Neverland. I've never been so open with anyone in my life, I've never felt so much love. 
I feel like she's an older sister, and we want a similar thing in our life, and we're sort of growing up together. Thats what it feels like. 


I'm also going to New York and Washington on the 2nd.. Dreams come true. 


I don't have anything else to say right now. But I'm smiling and about to go to hotbox my bathroom. 


Love always,
Kate.

We Want What We Can't Have.

Listening to Beethoven as I'm reading articles on this. But I believe we all need this kind of help these days. Me and T had a long conversation about how we want those who push us away because they give us that drive to work for that possibility of having that something one day. Those actions just end up pushing the person away more.

Love is beautiful, i saw it on TV !!

So back to the lady who was shocked, The main reason she felt so bad is that she heard me saying that falling in love is a process that is controlled by the mind and that our brains are like giant computers that look for a matches based on our past experiences, belief systems, relationship with parents, unmet needs and the way we were raised. 

 Because you have been brainwashed to believe that love is the soloution to all problems you will face a horrible time getting over anyone you can't have. 

 Love is the soloution to all problems: If you have this belief then you are classified as a loveaddict who uses love to cope with life problems. This is no different then drug abuse or cocaine addiction. The soloution is to fix your life not to find a romantic partner.

 There is only one soul mate: As soon as the computer in your brain finds another match you willfall in love with him. Why do you think people who love each other cheat? simply because there are hundreds of potential partners out there and not just one

Fix my life?.. 

Block Patry and the Past Few Nights..

Amazing

Block party today! But me and A haven't even spoken much since Sunday. It's so pathetic! Aha and he plays all these games like grow up, come on, you have everything you want in front of you if you weren't so childish about it.


Last night, party at Kates and slept over at her place with A the other night.. Which was amazing. I'll write more about it later and put up photos.. 


Things are strange but wonderful!