What's wrong with me.

No more drinking. No more, no more no more no no no no no nononononoo
I've heard myself say that over and over again
It's not that I love it
I just do stupid shit when I am


There was a party tonight. Kleinburg, as always people get wasted and start fights, of course. Cops came, we had to leave before 11. Pathetic. I came home smelling like shit but caught D on the way, the best part of tonight. 


Kind of tipsy, I call A.
"What did I do?"
"What?"
He's with people.
"Why did we stop talking"
"I don't know how to reach you.."
"You can always message me..."
*sigh*
I feel crushed.
"Let me know what I did wrong when you can. Bye"
You were special.


My last Belmont and my wish bogie broke as I ran from the park. Everything feels broken like that, in hald. Crushed wishes. 

I can ride my bike with no handlebars.

I met a boy a while back at a party and we spent the day together last night and it's something different. It's not even physical, I just want to make him happy. My newest project, this one I'm planning on completing. I also love my girl K!


Today I remind a friend that we had plans for thursday.. "Did you just deicide this.... :| " Nice. 


Beach.

Windy Suntans

Cancelled all my plans and spent the day at simcoe, coming back to buy another pack and a walk with E, she makes me nervous. My mother is driving me crazy. 
Woke up early today, no water or electricity in the house.. Supposed to be seeing a boy who I would marry if I could, and I am, in a few minutes... I get nervous at the wrong times.
Stayed up till 4 am talking to I. He will probably read this eventually and despise me a little bit more. He's my favorite boy ever, when he's high as fuck. I don't even know if our conversations work when he's sober. 
He talks to me like he wants to these days. He says the past is vague. 
"You don't want to see me."
"Yes, I do. I want to see you, all of you." Well I still want you back. But not in a way that I'm not over you, I finally am, just in a way that I want you for one night to make all those things we talked about come true. One night. Maybe in Tokyo. 


Me and A haven't talked in almost two days now, are we done? I don't understand what happened. I really liked you. What did I do? I don't know but I'm not worried. That's as much as I'm willing to write about you.

Bees and Shakespeare

I have been missing B a lot lately. I got to her street and saw V with his friend, just as B was walking towards us.  We went down to Brunette, V blazed and I cleared it. I put my bag onto a handle that I later realized was a bee's nest. One bee sting and we went home, me and B got ready to go to High Park to see Twelfth Night which was amazing.


Tea, Belmont, Planet Starbucks.. 
We always try to change ourselves to be more liked, or to be understood. 
It is so rare these days but there are people of such intelligence that you don't have to try to be anything for. 
They just know what matters to them and they love you no matter what.
"Everybody is going to hurt you,  you just have to find the ones worth suffering for." 
I felt so calm and happy, inspired, I love calm evenings.

so its summer yeah?

I have been in my area, but recently made up with someone I have hardly spoken to in half a year. Feels good. 


There is also a boy, who wanted me to blog about him, ahahhaa. Hopefully seeing him tomorrow night. So far it's been perfect, slow, calm, amazing. My friends have also been here for me, I was just with H and last night with my amazing baby A. This weekend seeing L and B tomorrow and etc.


All I need is a good coffee date with Bails tomorrow, some thrift store shopping and etc. I know I'll be happy. Especially if I see... Anthony.
I know someone is special when I can reveal their name on my blog. 


Drum circle two nights ago, I'm seeing people I haven't seen in months, life is changing again, summers going smooth, so much inspiration from everywhere. Well, I just finished watching Fight Club, second night in a row. Am I not a confusing writer?

so much has changed

The boy I mentioned in my previous entry is done for except the seldom nights in his basement and the adventures we made there. I'm trying to put an end to that too. It just didn't work out. I need to be treated  good. I want something serious. I want a boyfriend and a good one. Someone with a plan. I also miss his arms. Time to time. I miss being wanted by him, I miss his smile when he came close to my face. It ended so suddenly, but it's okay. I'll see you around, I'll see you on the stairs.
But I'm onto something better, I think. Because what we had was good for moments of euphoria and other things that led to a mess. The sparkle of your eyes, the way your arms grew  bigger when you held me, my fingers tracing the familiar tattoo on your chest, the sound of your voice, but he does it so much better than you can.

Cool, Calm, Collected

I'M GOING INSANE


summer
summer
summer
liter of strawberry wine
two bottles
cider
josh?
fuck
where are you guys?
come over
more beer
where is josh?
oh
hey josh
okay im going home josh
okay
see you later
inhale exhale inhale inhale inhale
stop
breathe 

thoughs a mess

I don't even know what's going on right now, mom is being quiet and.. nice? No news though. Everything is okay, I just need a job. I might be going back to an old habit for the summer. It's getting bad fast but I got  it. I got all the people I want around me, I'm living life the way I wanted. Or is this an illusion from the wake and bake! Burrr..

Boy's being quiet. Little kid.

I need someone who will make me feel secure.

I want out.


Last night mom came home with documents showing that I will be spending a month in some camp and will be escorted there by police. What have I done? Sorry my friend ashed on your dirty deck, sorry you had to beat the shit out of me for it, sorry I pushed you. A month of my summer that I needed so badly you're just going to rip out of my life? I needed what I have right now, these days are filled with such disaster. How did it get this bad?


I'm going to regret saying this but I think I might be in love. 
Then on some days I'll laugh that thought off.
Either way this love isn't saving my life.


Written on the hood of that cop car; "Don't forget to dream".

Bittersweet.

I'm sorry I somewhat abandoned you for a bit... School was ending and I was busy with looking for ways to get money, spending time with a certain someone and my friends.
I've fallen hard, again.
But this time he's helping me forget all the bullshit the past year has brought upon my life. 
There are ups and downs but in general he's amazing.
It's been confusing but I always come back to him.
We aint official but it's a beginning. 


Summer's warmth, big arms
Coffee and smoky staircases 
Lakes, the sunrays
Coca Cola
Deep like ovaries.