St Vs

I hope this day won't get worse. I don't think it can. What the hell happened last night? This is just an example of how we  have no control over the universe and the way it aligns our fates. No matter how much I have tried to change the past and how much I have tried to avoid the things that have put me in a bad place, what is meant to happen is going to happen either way. So my Valentine has been taken away from me, along with hope and smiles and heart-shaped pizza. Along with that place I used to come to where I could feel safe as if I was at home, stay up drinking tea and watching Rigby Goes Down. 


Where I woke up before you, made you coffee and couldn't ask for more. Once again, I wish I knew the truth. But I guess in the long run the truth never matters. 


The people in your life are seasons, and everything that happens is for a reason.

My little goldfish..

If you have ever visited a carnival, you have probably seen the goldfish game. Dozens of small bowls containing goldfish are placed in the center of a ring. Players receive three balls for a few dollars, and the goal is to toss a ball and have it land into a bowl. If it does, the player wins a goldfish. Beyond the risk to the poor goldfish, there is another problem: Most people don't really want a goldfish; they are simply inspired to win the contest and test their "tossing" skills. Don't get involved in a competition now, Kate, unless you're sure you want whatever is on offer.


Now do we..

Happy Birthday, V.

Same people, new feelings. Some feelings I wish I had the strength to overcome since I wouldn't even know where they're coming from. I just sense the hint that they aren't there for the right reasons. Maybe they are, I just know I don't want to feel anything for anyone in a way that could possibly hurt me.

A, I'm really happy for you. I was so happy to see your face on that tv screen, your smile and the pride to know all of its details. I had an amazing time while I was there, but I don't know what else to add as that feeling of guilt I had when leaving is still there.

Walking down the same street that I've walked so many times before, but only this time I couldn't get the image of us out of my head. Fuck why? I walk down the same street to go to Baileys, down the same street for that little forest we party in, Justins, but right.. This is V17. It's been a year. A year since you left, a year to the day you stopped reading this so why do I ever bother writing? Why do I bother? It was all for you.
That moment I got off that bus and began walking along the same path I took this exact same time last year, in a flash everything changed, the first song you ever said reminded you of me came on, and all these memories came rushing like feral waves to my mind. Everyone disappeared, the lights went off. It was just me and the streetlights. The cold glow highlighting snowflakes that now seem so much dirtier than last years. This feeling scratching at my chest yet I was calmer, at least the Earth wasn't slipping from my feet this time. Everything I had flashed before my eyes to remind me how much I lost. I was almost sure I had learned to live with no regrets. Why did I let you go that night? The fact that I was so fucked up I couldn't even look at the one person I loved? Or the fact that it "wasn't meant to be"? It was all my fault, you say otherwise still I just hope to find out the truth one day. I hope to find someone who can speak to me the way you used to.
And then the present comes crashing in "Are you alright?" The song gets louder.
Yes.
"Are you alright?" "Kate? Are you okay?" "Are you alright?" He passes me his smoke, ahahahaha. Just go, you don't need to make this checkmark. "Yes."
No I'm not alright. Sure, I've become a pretty content person but there is a lot of things in my past that to this day I cannot live over. Years ago, months go, weeks ago. Its a long story. So don't ask me if I'm alright. Because we both know you don't give a fuck, you wouldn't sit through half my answer to that question and it's all words that you might throw in because you're observant and moral, though you'd have to be completely shitfaced to sit through everything I could tell you. Still thank you, and maybe I could have told you a short story, and it would have lasted up until the point we walked through the doors of Vinnies house, at which point you would have already been distracted.
So thank god I spent about the first 40 minutes of the party upstairs with Vin, Bailey, Julia and Hayley. Because I love these people, and frankly I could have stayed there all night, laying next to V, holding Baileys hand.
A year later, same people, different stories, different jackets and different shoes. The hugs are different too. The feeling's a little different, but we still feel a little lost.

"KATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" I turn around and there you are..

Is it fate or something? After an amazing night I go home, you and I still texting, wishing the other one was there and as I walk away from the escalator I hear a familiar voice calling my name. I needed you there for that little bit that you were, there must have been a reason. Its really nothing like I've experienced before, I understand it but I couldn't explain it to you. We need next weekend. We will have our own motel room, we will go swimming. My god did I ever tell you how much I love swimming? I feel so alive in water, I feel like everything's right, with every wave come more and more rays of joy. I can't wait until we can be there, far from here, together. We will walk along my favourite streets, vice my favourite stores, and I will do anything in my power to make you smile. Everything will be alright.

ecstatic

so happy
starving
smiling
i want to stab you


i want YOU.
i want YOU to fall in love with me. 
and then i want to do what i always end up doing.
im going to take a piece of your heart, and keep it.
and i will continue doing this until mine is full, forgetting how empty yours might soon be.
goodnight.

caramel latte

I usually just get really happy, all those waves of euphoria, but I don't really know why..it just comes and goes..
But right now it's very clear to me. I know why, and I know I can always think of this when a cloud comes over. I'm so grateful for the next breath I will get to take. I am so grateful to know all of you.


"We've got a lot, don't ever forget that."

NEW SKINS CAST OHG=ADFJSIHFKJSV

This is actually a lot more exciting then I expected! They look perfect. Getting on this tonight.


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm afjksdhfhskdjfhksdfsfdsf

I haven't felt this much in so long, it's fucking frightening. I hate this, I'm so used to not feeling anything. But here it is, all in a wave, hitting my front. What do I do? I want to run I want to bury it.. but maybe I'll wake up with a smile.


P.S. Chilog, I do love you, I keep my promises. 

Love is not a victory match..

And now looking through old pictures, and new pictures I realize she's probably got everything I wanted a few months ago, everything I strived for. The silk pastels, the soft smiles, your hands and your voice, how perfectly you worded everything. Why did I ever leave? I miss it, and it's been over a year. So maybe I never got over us, maybe I just forgot. Forgot the words, forgot the conversations, the tears and the chemical explosions. Forgot how perfect we were, how we made a beautiful movie. But I guess that's how it goes, the first; we meet, the second you fall in love with me, then I wake up one morning realizing I don't want anything else. Then something tears you away from me. Unfortunately you were a part of me. Now theres a missing spot. But I'm human aren't I? Every patch gets filled.