Happy Birthday, V.

Same people, new feelings. Some feelings I wish I had the strength to overcome since I wouldn't even know where they're coming from. I just sense the hint that they aren't there for the right reasons. Maybe they are, I just know I don't want to feel anything for anyone in a way that could possibly hurt me.

A, I'm really happy for you. I was so happy to see your face on that tv screen, your smile and the pride to know all of its details. I had an amazing time while I was there, but I don't know what else to add as that feeling of guilt I had when leaving is still there.

Walking down the same street that I've walked so many times before, but only this time I couldn't get the image of us out of my head. Fuck why? I walk down the same street to go to Baileys, down the same street for that little forest we party in, Justins, but right.. This is V17. It's been a year. A year since you left, a year to the day you stopped reading this so why do I ever bother writing? Why do I bother? It was all for you.
That moment I got off that bus and began walking along the same path I took this exact same time last year, in a flash everything changed, the first song you ever said reminded you of me came on, and all these memories came rushing like feral waves to my mind. Everyone disappeared, the lights went off. It was just me and the streetlights. The cold glow highlighting snowflakes that now seem so much dirtier than last years. This feeling scratching at my chest yet I was calmer, at least the Earth wasn't slipping from my feet this time. Everything I had flashed before my eyes to remind me how much I lost. I was almost sure I had learned to live with no regrets. Why did I let you go that night? The fact that I was so fucked up I couldn't even look at the one person I loved? Or the fact that it "wasn't meant to be"? It was all my fault, you say otherwise still I just hope to find out the truth one day. I hope to find someone who can speak to me the way you used to.
And then the present comes crashing in "Are you alright?" The song gets louder.
Yes.
"Are you alright?" "Kate? Are you okay?" "Are you alright?" He passes me his smoke, ahahahaha. Just go, you don't need to make this checkmark. "Yes."
No I'm not alright. Sure, I've become a pretty content person but there is a lot of things in my past that to this day I cannot live over. Years ago, months go, weeks ago. Its a long story. So don't ask me if I'm alright. Because we both know you don't give a fuck, you wouldn't sit through half my answer to that question and it's all words that you might throw in because you're observant and moral, though you'd have to be completely shitfaced to sit through everything I could tell you. Still thank you, and maybe I could have told you a short story, and it would have lasted up until the point we walked through the doors of Vinnies house, at which point you would have already been distracted.
So thank god I spent about the first 40 minutes of the party upstairs with Vin, Bailey, Julia and Hayley. Because I love these people, and frankly I could have stayed there all night, laying next to V, holding Baileys hand.
A year later, same people, different stories, different jackets and different shoes. The hugs are different too. The feeling's a little different, but we still feel a little lost.