Shadows

It's a Monday, I'm not even awake right now.

I'm doing a pretty good job at letting it out over here though;

My Picture Blog

So that's what's going through my head right now..

Long nights, smoke breaks, your hands..

I feel calm but maybe I'm just exhausted or just dumb.

So much work, everything is scheduled out, order, order, and these emotions are a whirlwind in my path. But I like where this whirlwind takes me. Off the path, into the forest, past the river into the field where I lay staring at the blue sky with my eyes closed because the sun is so bright and warm. 

"For all I have said about life, I want you to know that all I ever really needed was you - your love, your presence - to make my life complete."

Another Night Out With The Kooks

Ah heading to Moose and Firkin to celebrate Ds and Js birthdays.. I don't even need to remind myself how amazing tonight is going to be. Its the same everytime I walk into the bar, the smiles, I am so proud to call these people my friends. The best part are the conversations. I can't find another word except intelligent, the moment they open their mouths I remember the reason to why we are friends. How they save me from the mediocre world I inhibit. 

Except my mother ruined the rush for me.. But it's all right, cause that got fixed with 30 dollars and Alfie's face. 

Lights, music, laughter, girls in the bathroom with powder all over their nose.. 

Please don't do this.. You're my best friend. I guess if you do it I'll do it too. One...two..three.. I can't even look anyone in the eye anymore. It tastes like death but it looks like fun.

So it starts sometime around midnight,

As I stand under the bar light, and the piano's this melancholy soundtrack to his smile.

And the way his hair looks, I haven't seen him for a while.

But I know that he's watching, he's laughing he's turning he's holding his drink like a crux.

The rooms suddenly spinning,I walk up and asks how you are,

So I can smell his cologne I can see myself laying in your arms,

And so there's a change in my emotions, and all these memories come rushing like feral waves to my mind, of the curl of our bodies like two perfect circled entwined, and I feel hopeless and homeless and lost in the haze of the wine.

And my friends say what is it you look like you've just seen a ghost, then I walk under the streetlights and I'm too drunk to notice that everyone is staring at me.

I just have to see him, I know that he'll break me in two.

At the Juice Bar..

I can't lie.. I lost count.

I really fucked up, it felt so good and I fell out of track. Gotta get back up.. Gotta get back up.. But you keep pushing me down. Because its safe down here and all you want is for me to be okay.. But sure as hell I can't give up now. I need to fight for this, so we can fit together better as puzzle pieces to this story's front cover. Because I want us. But things changed didn't they..
It is the way you described it, the intimacy, everything feels so good about this except you.. You changed. In a way, you're doing a lot better now. Its like you aged and matured in a month. But here is where you don't need my help anymore. You're almost figured out and I know everything will be alright with you, in the short run at least. 

Remember you asked me if you are just another project to me? A project to complete, polish, and give myself the a grade for the feeling of self accomplishment. Whether or not there is true love behind this goal I am trying to achieve? I think this is where we get our answer. Here, or this week or this month. You’re a lot better, and it took less time than I assumed, so once its complete and ready to be handed in.. Will you and I remain us or just you and I? Because now I'm just wondering, do you even need me emotionally now? Or is it physical, like all your past addictions.

Just because I need you, doesn't mean Top of FormTop of FormI'm lost.

sunrise

Ah fuck why aren't you writing? I need you to write it gets me through the day. 

You're acting in a way.. but I can't lie I like it. 

You say the perfect things and you act the perfect way as if you know exactly what you're doing.  You're mine, right? You belong to me? I don't usually feel this way when you talk about A, but the fact that she calls you makes me angry. Seeing E face to face made me furious. This is golden.. this is golden...

I just can't stand the idea of belonging to anyone.

One dark surprise after another..

But really not a surprise at all..


I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
You're looking skinny like a model
Just keep going to the bathroom always say you'll be right back
Well it takes one to know one kid, I think you've got it bad.


But what's so simple in the moonlight but the morning never is.


I've got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train, and if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same.
We may die from medication, but we sure have killed all the pain,
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane.


And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this,
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did.


It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live.
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, now it's so complicated..




Here we are again. Here is that feeling, here is the sting and here I feel normal again because when things feel too good to be true; they are. I know things are really hard right now, I know the world seems to be collapsing under our feet but I also can't believe that this is still the way you are dealing with it.. Today I forgot I was alive. I just kept calling you wishing to hear your voice, wishing to be brought back to life. How much I feel like I know you when we are together, the hope you give me.. I really don't know what goes on inside your head at all. And that feeling, was it real at all? Because I feel something when you touch me, something that you're trying to hide, something that is more than what you intended for me to feel. You're my ladder to a better reality.. But I feel like I'm walking in the dark. I keep taking steps, up the staircase, almost as if I'm climbing so fast that I forget to stop and notice all the cracks that may bring us down when we are at the top. I really thought we were close. With all the effort and pain that has been poured out in the past week. I was walking up the staircase, thinking that there is one more stair than there is. But it wasn't there. You forgot, maybe you never knew. My foot fell down, through the air and there was a sickly moment of dark surprise. Now I'm here, trying to readjust the way I thought of things.

December

I can't really place myself right now. Not with you, not with friends, not with long nights and short breaths. I know I love you, and that is all I know or sure of at this time. Things will change, I'm just awaiting the next kick.. But I'm alright with where it takes us because I know how I feel about you.

Friday morning I really cherished every moment, hope you can comprehend the way I value you. One look, a few words, a smile.. You send me to my heaven, sanctuary, and the world is quiet here. My ultimate goal being to make you feel just as good. We were together and nothing mattered, that is my favorite thing about us is you make me feel like I'm staying this young forever. Infinite. Or at least like this moment is all that exists. 

All those moments we could have shared later that night.. LSDream was amazing. The music, the pit, I felt like it really brought people closer together, the people I wanted closer. It was an amazing night. Really, unforgettable just like last years. Everyone; smiles and conversation and pure joy. I wish the few people that really lit up my night knew how much I need more of them. 

A few hours ago we were at Skins which turned out to be pretty good, it was a sweet atmosphere.  Some things just still come to me as a shock. This fucking generation, keeps racing..

Lights
Dubstep
Close your eyes, take my hand, we'll forget anything ever existed.
Bnow you're not picking up your phone. I hope things are not too bad I hope it doesn't hurt too bad because I love you so much it stings me imagining you hurting. I'm really scared of the next time I'll be speaking to you.. Fuck. Methamphetamine.. Cheers.

Now its 4:30 am and I'm laying in Ella's bed and listening to whispering. Drifting.. Drifting.. I love you.

Life Sized Dream

I can't even put tonight into words. Fucking rush, that's what it was. Moment into moment, the music, friends, lights, so fucking good. Memories memories memories. And you...ah.

On Melancholy Hill

I don't know what clicked in my brainm last night, but I love this. I found my way back into love and I'm not planning ono moving. Me, Kate, after months, years, I finally found a flower in a field of weeds. I can finally smile at people, with understanding and warmth.

I want to thank you.

Can You Tell Blue Skies From Pain?

On my 5th shot, writing just got a little better but I can't escape this nostalgic feeling. I can't stop thinking about all those moments in the past when I felt alive and I truly smiled. You have no idea how much I wish I still had you around. I never tell anyone what it's like. But one day feels like three years without you. Please take me twelve years back. For a week, for a day. I've been so lost without you.

How I wish you were here..

We're just two lost sould swimming in a fish bowl year after year,
running after the same old ground what have you found?
Same old fears..
How I wish you were here.