To live with no other thought,

than to love and be loved by you.

what if were all going to die tomorrow

Then I want to be with you. I want to lay next to you and tell you how much I love you. I want to make you feel like you're the most amazing person in the world. Because I haven't felt emotion in over a year. I love you and I want to keep you. This is where we belong, this is where we're staying.

Remember Me

Sunday;
Today is so mediocre, no matter how much happened last night that should be making my mind race back and forth, it really isn't. I'm just calm, just breathing and living in the moment. But what is today without you? What is today without your voice? What is today without your eyes? Your smile and your smell. I wish we were talking but maybe its okay that there is this gap of time without you. it gives us time to get our minds straight and gives us time to miss each other. But fuck, I miss you the moment I walk the opposite direction. Tell me everything. Tell me everything that runs through your head.


Today;
Is awful. Mom found out about last night, she called during class saying she's taking me for a test.. I'm clean but I can't believe she won't give up on this. She isn't even legally able to drag me and have a doctor stick a needle in my arm. I will do it though, just for that good feeling I had last time I proved her wrong. I just feel so stupid that I don't think this shit through. Maybe I just don't care. Or I'm dumb. I think I'm just forgetting to care. But as dull as the day was, everytime I looked out the window and stared at the sky and all it's elements I thought of you. And I smiled, sincerely and remembered that everything is alright. That I have you and one word from you can make me forget everything. I realized I had to see you.




Now I'm sitting in my bed wearing this sweater you gave me waiting for the phone to ring. I can't focus on anything else, I'm losing it. But it feels right.

Day 4

I feel like I cracked up, no coffee, thats why. Ah thank god I realized this. I won't make the mistake tomorrow. I had one too many and I won't give up. I have got to be perfect for you. For all of you.

Day 3...

Holding up holding up holding up. I feel good standing in front of my mirror and smiling at myself this morning. Pulling on my clothes and feeling comfortable. I'm proud of myself, really, I usually never have this much self control when it comes to remembering why I need to say no and look the other way. But I did it today. I did it yesterday and I did it Friday. I hope I don't break tomorrow. How I felt ten minutes ago in my bathroom using the sink as a clutch was hell.. and I never want to feel that again. So I'm not stopping. 27 days to go. So little.. So close.. So tired.

I Need Time Away

Because things go from good to bad, from love to fear way too fast around here. As much as has been said I still can't forget the feeling. I want out. I want to go see Stephen. Thousands of kilometers away from here where he is. Because he would remember, and remind me.
But I still gotta keep moving, moving against the wind. Someone once told me that was the only way to fly.

Maybe you're afraid of what you might say.

So if I asked you about art you could give me the skinny on every art book ever written...Michelangelo? You know a lot about him I bet. Life's work, criticisms, political aspirations. But you couldn't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. And if I asked you about women I'm sure you could give me a syllabus of your personal favorites, and maybe you've been laid a few times too. But you couldn't tell me how it feels to wake up next to a woman and be truly happy. If I asked you about war you could refer me to a bevy of fictional and non-fictional material, but you've never been in one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him draw his last breath, looking to you for help. And if I asked you about love I'd get a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been truly vulnerable. Known that someone could kill you with a look. That someone could rescue you from grief. That God had put an angel on Earth just for you. And you wouldn't know how it felt to be her angel. To have the love be there for her forever. Through anything, through cancer. You wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand and not leaving because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term "visiting hours" didn't apply to you. And you wouldn't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself, and you've never dared to love anything that much. I look at you and I don't see an intelligent confident man, I don't see a peer, and I don't see my equal. I see a boy. Nobody could possibly understand you, right Will? Yet you presume to know so much about me because of a painting you saw. You must know everything about me. You're an orphan, right? Do you think I would presume to know the first thing about who you are because I read "Oliver Twist?" And I don't buy the argument that you don't want to be here, because I think you like all the attention you're getting. Personally, I don't care. There's nothing you can tell me that I can't read somewhere else. Unless we talk about your life. But you won't do that. Maybe you're afraid of what you might say.

I don't know how to deal with you..

I tried so hard, and honestly last night felt golden, I felt like I did a good thing for once. I thought to myself, this is the beginning, and it's going in the right direction, this feels right, this is right, I'll pull you out, this is already a progress. The look on your face, there was hope, somewhere deep inside, there was hope. I should have looked twice, because it was all blown away a couple of hours later. I mean, I expected this, but you saw my reaction, you knew perfectly how it made me feel and you said, you told me you wouldn't do it. I had no idea how far in you are, I did not realize it has gone this far. Why am I even tryng? I don't even know what I'm talking about, who am I? This isn't even reality, this is all a dream..



It was a dream, not a nightmare, a beautiful dream I could never imagine in a thousand nods. There was a girl next to me who wasn't beautiful until she smiled. And I felt that smile come at me in heat waves following, soaking through my body and out my finger tips in shafts of color and I knew somewhere in the world, somewhere, that there was love for me.


fuck, this is the worst entry so far

This Is Surreal..

This feeling makes me forget I ever knew of reality. Sitting on the subway and feeling as devoted as I did the night before, looking at my own reflection then past it into the darkness and feeling you somewhere out there in the world. Walking, breathing, hopefully smiling. Thoughts, so many thoughts through my head, too many so my head shuts down. So I just smile. Because even if there is hardly any clarity at this moment, I know how I feel about you. I am proud to call you a friend.