You Always Manage to Surprise My Heart

"Go count the stars outside. Multiply that number by the stars hidden by pollution. Then multiply that by 2. That's how much I love you."
"That's infinity, mate."


I guess it's been difficult to be sentimental. But just wait till I see you again. I can't bring my feelings across properly anymore because they have been overwhelmed by worries. Worries of you and where you'll be tomorrow, in a month.. who you'll marry in ten years.
You asked me today why I love you. I told you not because you make me wake up with a smile or because I'm happy when I'm with you.. No, I love you because you have a pure heart, and that is what I told you. But you don't understand. You don't understand how rare, how significant that is in this world. With everything that has been thrown at you in the past 16 years and the hell that I believe you lived through in the past year, your heart remains in the right place. Unlike me, you are capable of so much love. Not infatuation, not lust, pure love for other human beings. And we fail to see the fact that these hearts are an endangered species because it has been masked by these feelings and actions people perform that we consider "love". For once I know that someone genuinely loves me and isn't about to evaporate from my world..This is why I love you.


I can't believe I've managed to keep you in my life. I miss your eyes and your hands. I'll see you soon.

I don't know where I am I don't know where I've been but I know where I wanna go..

... I know what to write about but am I supposed to write?.. Why do I even? On a daily basis now? Cause people finally read it? This is unnecessary I should just write important things down. But last night was important. 

Last night was amazing. Though my plans that I have been looking forward to all week were slightly shifted everything worked out to be amazing. Everything about it. Of course no one likes walking for forty-five minutes in the blistering cold but it's all good when you have something to talk about that will make everyone laugh.


What I noticed about every party that I have attended lately is I always bump into people from different parts of my past/present. A party has become like my past.. in a room. No it's not what it sounds like. Maybe it is. Either way I hug them all the same. I love coincidence. 


But this all came after I made the decision not to break my streak.  Which was more difficult than it has ever been and you, little soldier understand more than anyone.. Looking around I felt like just breaking down I can't believe I was this far in.. Rebecca looked at me saying that she doesn't know me too well but she is proud that I'm doing this, she really meant it, it was adorable, and if someone is putting so much effort into telling me this like she did then we must be doing something right..But without even knowing why I'm saying no I smiled and said no, made coffee and just followed my tips on enjoying life. And we did, didn't we? Now we looked around and laughed, seeing myself in all those kids, just talking, I feel infinite when I'm with my friends. Also I haven't laughed for so long.. I look so creepy smiling while writing this at work..
There was a guy last night that knew S. and it got me thinking about the other night at his birthday. Sitting on the couch texting A... Looking at all these people and trying to get over it. He came over and sat next to me and just hugged me. Not just a hug, he wrapped his arms around all of me and I felt so so safe. I haven't felt that feeling in so long. His shoulders felt like mountains. 
"Katya I love you so much"
"Aahhaa you're so drunk"
"Are you okay? You know how happy I am you're here right? I can't believe you came here from work, I know it's close but I appreciate it so much."
"I feel so safe with you"
"You are. As long as you come to me you will always be safe. As long as you come to me nothing will ever happen."
"Are you my big brother or something?"
"I am. You're Russian, I'm Russian, we go together, and no one fucks with us, we're the most beautiful race, remember that."
"I wish we weren't so fucked. But it's okay, someone told me that's the beauty."

I feel like..

Balling my eyes out.. Just crying in this bed again like I did during the summer. 


But I can't anymore, I'm too different now..
I want to thank Lisa for tonight, for what you told me.. I'm just going to stop thinking about what happened tonight. I'll get over that in a few days..hours anyways.
I don't even know where all this sadness is coming from. Nowhere I guess.


But what about you? This is the second night in a row I'm getting drunk calls from you. Why don't you feel comfortable with calling me during the day anymore? What happened? Theres so much love here but what the fuck is happening.. I'll see you tomorrow. Today that is.


Either way tonight was good.. Especially D. he's magical. 


In the morning the film crews start arriving
With donuts, coffee and reporters
The kids were waking up, hung over
The neighbors were starting up their cars
The garbageman were emptying the dumpsters
Atheists were praying full of sarcasm
And the genius next door was sleeping
Dreaming that the antidote is orgasm

If you just hold in your breath
'Til you come back up in full
Hold in your breath
'Til you thought it through
You foolish child 

Too pretty.

I don't know what happened last night.. Something clicked.. I haven't felt that stomach dropping feeling in so long...

If you just hold in your breath..

...You'll come back to the top and float. 

This is for you. My special friend. 

I'm driving through snowy Richmondhill wishing I was a little closer to my favourite city. I opened this new page, I have so much to write but I don't know weather or not I should post it.. Because the irony is we ignore the ones who love us.  

Oh well fuck that, here goes; I'm happy we got to know each other in these cold months. I'm so happy we crossed eachother's paths as we made the same decision in life. Now we're walking down the same road, a road of joy and comfort. I don't want to leave. I never told you about the fact that I have no idea where I'd be without your help. I never realized what I was going through, I never even realized it was an existing problem. Then you came along and gave me hope. You opened my eyes. Now it's us two, and this battle, and we're getting through, we really are. You're my little hero. My little soldier. 

So these winter months turned out to be a lot warmer than expected. Because walking through this town with the red and white lights, the snow circling me, I'm smiling. It's not an ecstatic smile, but it's not fake either. I am content, a little paranoid, but that's alright. We may still be on a payroll for our past, but we're almost done. And with the strength you posses, little soldier, you'll get through anything. Girls with eyes like yours are made to smile. So let's teach each other everything we know. Lets learn, perceive, believe and hope. Most importantly, let's find beauty in everything. The way I found a shitload of it in you.

I hope you feel better.

Because you're so beautiful. In so many ways.


And I know what heartbreak is, I remember clearly what it feels like, and I still know how hard it is to get over something. But I learned that your eyes must do some raining if you're ever going to grow. I love talking to you, I can't even explain why. Something about you just sets me off. So stay. I'll be here for you, because I think you have a good heart. I also know where you're coming from, so everytime it hurts I will try and make you laugh. 


And we'll keep working on the problem that we know we'll never solve, of love's uneven remainder, our lives as fractions of a whole.

Is This All a Dream?

I've wanted to write about this for a while now, but it's been hard to sit down and focus with everything that has been happenning..
With this sobriety and with this happy fix I have with my friends, living through life every day has become more like drifting through an ocean. Diving deep, it's so beautiful. An ocean somewhere deep inside my mind, somewhere in my dreams. Maybe I'm just tired. When you're suffering from a lack of sleep everything seems like a dream. Maybe it's my mind trying to block out how I'm really supposed to feel going through this.

Hmm, yeah I never talked to anyone about this. I just said it's really difficult. I was on a straight path through-out the break and then I felt New Years just pushing me off that path. Thank god it was New Years, I guess I never even realized how much all those nights pushed me around, and that was almost every night.. I'm gonna hold on. I finally know what addiction is.

As for drugs, my impression is that their effect was almost completely negative, simply removing people from meaningful struggle and engagement. Just the other day I was sitting in a radio studio waiting for a satellite arrangement abroad to be set up. The engineers were putting together interviews with Bob Dylan from about 1966-7 or so (judging by the references), and I was listening (I'd never heard him talk before -- if you can call that talking). He sounded as though he was so drugged he was barely coherent, but the message got through clearly enough through the haze. He said over and over that he'd been through all of this protest thing, realized it was nonsense, and that the only thing that was important was to live his own life happily and freely, not to "mess around with other people's lives" by working for civil and human rights, ending war and poverty, etc. He was asked what he thought about the Berkeley "free speech movement" and said that he didn't understand it. He said something like: "I have free speech, I can do what I want, so it has nothing to do with me. Period." If the capitalist PR machine [term used in the question] wanted to invent someone for their purposes, they couldn't have made a better choice.

                                                                     -Noam Chomsky

But now I don't have this. What do I have? I have you, but I need something to take this anger out on. I think I'm in love, so I'm back to day 1.

I don't really know about you..

There was something so beautiful about that night. Something that clicked. But I feel like you're a tiny bit insane. But it's alright because I'm twice that.
I'm going to be your friend, we're going to continue the ride in a shopping cart we started only hours ago.
You're special.
We walked, we held hands, we talked, we watched the sunrise. It felt like summer.

life soundtrack

Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things slide by so carelessly

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

And someone is calling my name
From the back of the restaurant
And someone is playing a game
In the house that I grew up in
And someone will drive her around
Down the same streets that I did
On the same streets that I did

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Cell Block Tango.

Not only was this the best New Years I have ever had, I am certain of this year being magnificent.