I don't know where I am I don't know where I've been but I know where I wanna go..

... I know what to write about but am I supposed to write?.. Why do I even? On a daily basis now? Cause people finally read it? This is unnecessary I should just write important things down. But last night was important. 

Last night was amazing. Though my plans that I have been looking forward to all week were slightly shifted everything worked out to be amazing. Everything about it. Of course no one likes walking for forty-five minutes in the blistering cold but it's all good when you have something to talk about that will make everyone laugh.


What I noticed about every party that I have attended lately is I always bump into people from different parts of my past/present. A party has become like my past.. in a room. No it's not what it sounds like. Maybe it is. Either way I hug them all the same. I love coincidence. 


But this all came after I made the decision not to break my streak.  Which was more difficult than it has ever been and you, little soldier understand more than anyone.. Looking around I felt like just breaking down I can't believe I was this far in.. Rebecca looked at me saying that she doesn't know me too well but she is proud that I'm doing this, she really meant it, it was adorable, and if someone is putting so much effort into telling me this like she did then we must be doing something right..But without even knowing why I'm saying no I smiled and said no, made coffee and just followed my tips on enjoying life. And we did, didn't we? Now we looked around and laughed, seeing myself in all those kids, just talking, I feel infinite when I'm with my friends. Also I haven't laughed for so long.. I look so creepy smiling while writing this at work..
There was a guy last night that knew S. and it got me thinking about the other night at his birthday. Sitting on the couch texting A... Looking at all these people and trying to get over it. He came over and sat next to me and just hugged me. Not just a hug, he wrapped his arms around all of me and I felt so so safe. I haven't felt that feeling in so long. His shoulders felt like mountains. 
"Katya I love you so much"
"Aahhaa you're so drunk"
"Are you okay? You know how happy I am you're here right? I can't believe you came here from work, I know it's close but I appreciate it so much."
"I feel so safe with you"
"You are. As long as you come to me you will always be safe. As long as you come to me nothing will ever happen."
"Are you my big brother or something?"
"I am. You're Russian, I'm Russian, we go together, and no one fucks with us, we're the most beautiful race, remember that."
"I wish we weren't so fucked. But it's okay, someone told me that's the beauty."