Sitting in the Library trying so hard to focus on a project when the only things running through my head is how bad the outcome will be and how I have problems that need to be solved. How much I miss Anth and how much I need to see B and how badly I need to get into Langstaff. Because now its possible, because now I have an address to give them and because a girl in school told me how she busses an hour and a half everyday from Richmondhill to get to this shithole. So I’m going to do it. And I know it will be amazing. Laura is sitting next to me, she asked for makeup. No I don’t even bring that to school anymore. I don’t even wear it. I come here, and I learn and that is it. Well- I try to, anyways. I look around and everyone looks so lost. No one is having a full conversation, no one seems real. Just Mark smiling at me and telling me about how he loves kids and wants to be a councillor. He’s running through my tumblr, talking to me about how he wants to live downtown because its the closest thing to New York because I’m the only person who will understand. And I do, I always understood people but I never could bring my words across how I wanted to. Like a week ago, me and A got into a fight because him and O talked and obviously me and O do not like eachother the slightest anymore. I understood everything he was saying to me but I couldn’t apologize or tell him what goes through my head when I think of him. Then on Saturday we all went to Nuit Blanche and he was on with Molly and probably 15 shots of fuck knows what. He hugged me a couple of times, I felt disgusting.
I saw everyone Saturday, actually, I and C, holding hands. The whole N crew, T telling me how beautiful she thinks I am and how sorry her and everyone are for saying things to me out of anger. Alex really made my night. I even saw S, but no Nikola. I wish I saw Nikola because him and I talked all of last night about us and I wish he was there with me throughout Saturday night. When me and K and everyone met up I began accepting every bottle that came my way and soon enough our whole little group was spinning out of our minds.
“Kate.. everything is flashing in front of my eyes...”
“That’s what I’m saying!”
Bumped into I around 2 am again,
“Kate!” I look at him and keep walking, he pulls me back
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
“Yeah I’m too drunk to deal with this”
“I’m drunk too”
“Where’s C?”
“Over there”
“Bye”
“Bye”
Anth came to see me around 3 or something, but with C... For 10 minutes? It was too chaotic for him apparently which pissed me the fuck off. Everyone was like “fuck him”. But I don’t remember, anything. V walked around with me for the night, he’s amazing. Later came A’s and M’s tears and people shouting and setting things on fire till we finally made our way back to the car at 5 am. D and I sat next to each other, me leaning on him, there are honestly so many things about him that make him perfect but all those things would be the end of me. Beginning with the trail of white powder on the collar of his black trench.
Anyways, I hope I see Kate tonight so we can go to the movies.
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