We're going to finish school, get our honours and our degrees.
We'll meet new people, our parents will finally accept us.
We're going to live in a nice apartment in a nice city,
Where you can pick the furniture and I can pick the tableware. 
And the wallpaper, and the carpet, and the curtains.
Where I can wakeup before you,  and spill my dreams into a coffee mug, so you can smile.
Here will be a balcony, and flowers, and people walking down the street below us. 
The architecture filtering the sun that emits your bones. The coffee and the cream, my marlboro. Plans for the weekend. Equations for happiness. 
Here we will be able to do anything we like, because we'll give each other the freedom to be anyone we want to be. We will be two separate people, not a whole, and there will be comfort in this.


Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we’ll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase
San Francisco’s calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
We hung about the stadium, we’ve got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue’s crying too and well he may.

I love you I’ve a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the family why not that's absurd
“You’ll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job”
Maybe, but not what she deserves
Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll drink ourselves awake
We’ll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960's style
We’ll comment on the decor and we’ll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we’ll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare

Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside a diamond is a wrench
I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn’t come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You’d settle for an epitaph like “Walk Away, Renee”
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour.

Lady lost her love, and now she don't call, 

I'm leaning but I won't fall.

Remember September 11th? You lost your mom. I lost my heart.

Let me finish, I lost my start, 

We'll depart, we'll never meet again, 

That's the story as it's told, but even then,

You're still sitting in my lap.

S. Levy.

Walking down the old carpeted hall way of my shrinks apartment, feeling as my life and memories are slowly falling into place. Like the little "sub" fish of my conscience is finally floating on the surface. She said I have to find you. Whatever it takes, I need to speak to you, I need to find you because you made me who I am today, you're the one who's preventing me from progressing. You're the source of all the grief, love. Clinical grief.

I can find you, its not impossible though it has seemed this way for the past two years. Has it been two years? The kid in the mirror I knew two years ago could comprehend and feel a lot more than the kid I know today. I've lost count, but time only existed when you were around. Time was just around to help me sort out the chaos of the emotions and events that occurred the day we met, and during the years we knew each other, adrenaline pumping through our veins, rushing to our hearts and out our fingertips.. Most of all, time is here to ease the hell that took over after you packed up your whole life with me, our friends and this city, leaving space only for self-pity and amphetamines. That day you packed up all my ability to love and be loved. You know, I've been wondering, what is it that's wrong with me that won't let me be happy with anyone else? I never thought it was you until this day. I'm hitting these keys so hard, I haven't been this angry in a long time, this is as cliche as every other movie I could relate my life to. But I'm also ecstatic, because I want to move on. I hate myself for not realizing this sooner, I hate myself because I look for you in every face I meet. I hate myself because I search for you in every crowd I get lost in. Only unfamiliar places give me hope, since your presence left all the familiar ones. You left me with nothing but memories and the fear to ever love anyone except you. This fear that I thought was just a disability. Today I'm able. 

But I will speak to you again. I will find you before you find me. I will send you all the unsent emails, and you will know all the details of the past two years. You will feel what I've felt. This is what has been missing all along; the lack of closure. I need you now, because you've never left my mind until this day and I cannot continue living this way, I need you to know, because once you do, both of us can move on. I need our fishbowl to break.

Evoking.

Lay down next to you in bed just to try and let you know that I know how you feel.

Getting lost in a crowd, louder music, bigger smiles, distractions, sweeter and sweeter..

Overactive minds, hazy hazy, blurred too. 

Move closer, please, it's cold.

Memory on 0. 

Leave my house almost tripping running to your door.

To make sure you're okay.

Because it rips me apart inside, your pain passed to me like thunder to electricity pole.

To let you know I care.

To find someone who feels just as damaged as me.

So we can lay in that room for hours, evoking. 

So I can be a friend. I like being a friend.

It's been lonely and cold, everything feels just as hard as the ice covered path to your house on which I tripped on several occasions skipping steps to get to you as fast as possible.

To realize everyone's alone.

And the weathers changing, suddenly, just like the tears that were poured out Sunday night. 

For which I apologize, to you, to JJ and to J.

I'm sorry you had to ask "What's wrong?"

I can no longer write.

I wish I was better so you could call this blog "refreshing" again.

I miss comfort.

I've been hungry.

And despite all the smiles, I still break down night after night of saying "Good Night."

You said you'd be down, and for once it made sense. I liked that moment, it worked, it clicked. You said you thought so too. Nonetheless I shouldn't even be thinking about it because of the past year and a half that I've known you for, I should have learned better than to trust you. But don't you love that? The things that can happen at a party that won't happen in the morning?
Thank god Im past that, not real if you won't be there in the morning.

For you, B, because I lost you and I lost myself.

I wish I was a photograph
tucked into the corners of your wallet
I wish I was a photograph
you carried like a future in your pocket
I wish I was that face you show to strangers
when they ask you where you come from
I wish I was that someone that you come from
every time you get there
and when you get there
I wish I was that someone who got phone calls
and postcards saying
wish you were here

I wish you were here
autumn is the hardest season
the leaves are all falling
and they're falling like they're falling in love with the ground
and the trees are naked and lonely
I keep trying to tell them
new leaves will come around in the spring
but you can't tell trees those things
they're like me they just stand there
and don't listen

I wish you were here
I've been missing you like crazy
I've been hazy eyed
staring at the bottom of my glass again
thinking of that time when it was so full
it was like we were tapping the moon for moonshine
or sticking straws into the center of the sun
and sipping like icarus would forever kiss
the bullets from our guns

I never meant to fire you know
I know you never meant to fire lover
I know we never meant to hurt each other
now the sky clicks from black to blue
and dusk looks like a bruise
I've been wrapping one night stands
around my body like wedding bands
but none of them fit in the morning
they just slip off my fingers and slip out the door
and all that lingers is the scent of you
I once swore if I threw that scent into a wishing well
all the wishes in the world would come true
do you remember

do you remember the night I told you
I've never seen anything more perfect than
than snow falling in the glow of a street light
electricity bowing to nature
mind bowing to heartbeat
this is gonna hurt bowing to I love you
I still love you like moons love the planets they circle around
like children love recess bells
I still hear the sound of you
and think of playgrounds
where outcasts who stutter
beneath braces and bruises and acne
are finally learning that their rich handsome bullies
are never gonna grow up to be happy
I think of happy when I think of you

so wherever you are I hope you're happy
I really do
I hope the stars are kissing your cheeks tonight
I hope you finally found a way to quit smoking
I hope your lungs are open and breathing your life
I hope there's a kite in your hand
that's flying all the way up to orion
and you still got a thousand yards of string to let out
I hope you're smiling
like god is pulling at the corners of your mouth
cause I might be naked and lonely
shaking branches for bones
but I'm still time zones away
from who I was the day before we met
you were the first mile
where my heart broke a sweat
and I wish you were here
I wish you'd never left
but mostly I wish you well
I wish you my very very best

I remember when our voices used to sound the same..

Why does everyone always assume I don't date? Why are my friends surprised to know I can actually
love and commit to a male? 
I can, it's just hard for me to find that something special in a person after what I've had with my ex in the past. I'm not looking for something like it, or something better, I'm just looking for something different. So I guess I don't date, because I haven't seen this specific thing I'd like to have. I've stopped looking, and I've been happier, I don't really have that void that was there anymore, or at least I don't feel it anymore. 
I have a few guy friends who I know, I mean- I know about their lives and I can guess what they're going to say next, I've spent a lot of time with them but I can't say it's been enough to KNOW them the way I knew my ex.
That's what I want I guess. Simplicity, but in a very beautiful way. I just want someone I can go out with and exchange understanding glances with. To know we're thinking the same thing or at least to know what they're thinking. Something easy that I don't have to stress about, with no pressure or worries. But do those relationships exist? If I can imagine them, I guess they do. Sometimes I just want someone who's hand I can hold and call them mine. Someone who can come over and cook with me, someone I can lay in bed with and talk for hours. Someone who will go places with me, someone I can take pictures of ahahaha. A little speck of light in my life. Someone who knows how to make good coffee. 
Someone who is possibly in front of me. The issue is the effort to get to where I want to get with them. The issue is that I gave up on putting in that effort. I'm just waiting for someone to make a move. 


But nah, I can wait. I don't think it will be real until I turn twenty-five.

OH MY GOD

THIS IS AMAZING
I just found a photo of a hotel I stayed in, in Italy when I was about 7. I remember this so clearly. I remember how scared I was to take the slides, how I climbed the rocks, how I got bit by a crab. I can't believe what are the chances of me coming upon this picture! Life's amazing ahahhaa.

I said fuck it!

I'm not gonna drown in this pool of pityfull lives, get pebbles of sorrow and anger thrown at me as I sink. I am a lot stronger than that and I'll prove it. I can overcome it and I will be fantastic at it. Fuck Kate why are you being such a fucking pussy? You've handled one of the worlds biggest shits in your life and now your biggest struggle is a bottle? Ahahhahahaa its beyond pathetic. As this ship sinks, I'm not going to allow myself to get pulled under with everyone else aboard. I don't need this escape. know all these emotions have become overwhelming but fuck it! I want them all to come at once , I want a hurricane because know i can take it as I have before. I can see now, how clear it was all to me two weeks ago, and how quickly that clarity can be taken away, this is a self destructive coping strategy, some of us have a lot of grief and feelings far away inside of us, and there is that little subconscious guilt because of trauma or loss, it's as if we punish our self through this disgusting self destructive behavior. Why don't I know that my personality is just being developed, we are way too fragile.
Balance. Balance. Balance. This is a virus, it's confusion, I have been swimming since 3, I'm not stopping now.

This is my papas sweater. Today I'm wearing it, because I finally found it.
This sweater is thirteen years old.
Papa wore it once.
We've never washed it.
I don't ever want to.
Mama bought it for him, she looked for this specific sweater, it took her a long time.
What a beautiful sweater, when he gets better, he'll get out of that white-walled building and wear it.
It will look so nice.
It would have looked so nice.