"We only live in the minds of other people"

Thank you Sarah. Today in philosophy discussing the same idea that struck me two years ago. That we "don't matter" and how in two centuries we won't exist or be remembered therefore none of our actions matter the slightest bit. I remember how this theory affected my life. Thank god I realized how stupid and wrong it is. Yet I still stick to some of the ideas I had back then. So is there an ultimate meaning to our lives? To our existence, or is all pure absurdity? This space of time between birth and getting to where we want to be, Thomas Negel saying it's all absurd, and we need to accept that. Stop going between not caring and taking yourself way too seriously, find a balance. 


We watch our soaps to tell us how good our lives are, 
We create gods and goddesses to put purpose in our lives. 


They asked me to speak today. "No, that's all wrong. You will probably get offended but I think you're wrong for using God or some kind of greater power to tie meaning into your life. We created "reason". We created the word and the meaning of "reason". There is no such this as "reason". It's something we planted into our brain because of the idea of "action and reaction", but the universe is just so much beyond "reason". It doesn't know of meaning, and we are way too small to ever comprehend that. We aren't nearly intelligent enough to understand it, and we never will, that's why we choose god to put find that meaning. There shouldn't be any, because it's true, we live in the minds of other people, for how long? 100 years? Create your own meaning if you need one. Create a life that is eventful enough for you to never be able to stop and think "What is the meaning?"
The Stoics were right and you'll never understand it. Stop wasting time." 

I LOVE SOBRIETY

JUST SAYING

Child Prostitution and Class

What's Wrong?

I need to sleep. I need to get enough sleep. I'm done with school, shouldn't I be happy now? I think I'm jut tired. The cloud feels like it's coming on, but I'm not going to let it. Remember, resilience. Everything should be good after C's. Just read my horoscope, don't act in a spontaneous way, just stay calm and carry on! 

thank you ariel

10 years.

A decade.


Ten years of... I can't put myself through the time of looking for the rights words to sum up the past ten years. Ten years that you've been gone.


A customer just came in, asked me if I speak Russian. 
"Yes.You ask me that everytime you come in."
"Well you don't seem too eager about it."
"Because it's hard for me to speak Russian."
I stopped there. When did it become hard? How long has it been since I only knew Russian.. Ten years. When you were by my side, when I could relate to kids with siblings. 
"Do you have grandparents?"
"No."
"Oh.. are they in Russia?"
"No, I don't have grandparents ahaha."
"That's unusual."
..Not really..
"Don't forget where you're from."


But I'm forgetting.
I feel like it never existed, it feels like nothing more than a dream and I was born not earlier than 7 years ago. But I still hold on to the memories.
That room on Frunze street, building number 5. I remember you holding my hand when we crossed the street, I remember always getting you to stop at the red playground. Where I sat on the swing and listened carefully to you and mom talk. I remember tears, I remember you lying to me every time I asked what was wrong. I remember you squeezing my wrists onto the couch and not letting me move when I made you angry. I remember sitting on top of your shoulders and feeling like I was bigger than anything in this world, but you wouldn't speak to me.
But I also remember being in my room in that apartment, hiding from you under the desk when we were playing hide and seek. I never had anyone to play with. I hated all the kids at school and my friends were  older and lived far away. Just my room where I built a fort under my desk and played my own games. But you were always there. I might not remember much but fuck, I'll never forget how much you loved me. The tall wardrobe that looked like a giant, the balcony covered by shade coming from the trees that hovered above me when I sat there and made up stories of my future. 
I always tell people not to ask "what if?" but what if? What if you were still here with us? I know we would be perfect. You took his place, you took more than his place, you were the best source of protection anyone could ever ask for. I wish I could be like you. Mom wishes I could be like you. I know these problems wouldn't exist. Maybe they would but I wouldn't have such a hard time dealing with everything if you were with me. I wouldn't ever need another male in my life. So maybe I would have turned out right, but now my head's a mess. And a heart? Maybe you took it with you. I just know no other man can take your place, no other man is unconditional. I keep telling people and myself I don't remember you, but I do. I just pray these small memories won't fade. Because they mean EVERYTHING. I wish my memory was a little clearer. More than anything in this world, I want to remember. I need to remember. So ten years may be nothing, but to me, they are everything I have.. to be more accurate, it's the six years beforehand that give my whole meaning life.
I've become strong and I am becoming stronger everyday.. But nothing ever matters, because all I really want is to go back to that sunny place where it was just you and I, where I never saw past your eyes and your arms, where for me insanity and your words floated on the same waves of normalcy. What am I without you? What became of you, how did you burn out without him? Why you? Why him? What went wrong? Running over the same old ground. Same old fears. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year. I love you more than anything this world has ever seen, and I have never meant this so much. So happy birthday, tonight we'll do everything you wanted us to. I will never forget you, that is the only promise I know I can keep in this life, so save a place in heaven, until the next time we meet, forever.

And the sky was made of amethyst
and all the stars look just like little fish
you should learn when to go
you should learn how to say no

might last a day yeah
mine is forever
might last a day, yeah
well mine is forever

when they get what they want they never want it again
when they get what they want they never want it again

go on, take everything, take everything i want you to
go on, take everything take everything take everything i want you to

And the sky was all violet I want it again, but more violet, more violet
hey, i'm the one with no soul
one above and one below

go on, take everything take everything i want you to
go on, take everything take everything i want you to

i told you from the start just how this would end
when i get what i want i never want it again

go on, take everything, take everything i want you to
go on, take everything, take everything i want you to
go on take everything take everything take everything 
take everything.

Thoughts

Sitting in this restaurant waiting for Oliver to come back. This place is so beautiful, the lights, everything about it. I missed this area, Yonge and Eglinton, it's been so long.  But did I miss it? Why can't I stay focused? That's a different story.


Sitting here listening to couples converse. How different people can be, it's insane. The way I speak to a "romantic interest", I tend to make things as comfortable possible, I learned to, there's never a reason to be nervous. I'm watching this young woman sit across this man and I can feel her heart racing from here. She's smiling, she keeps talking, she can't stop she's trying anything to continue the conversation. But he, sitting back, beer in hand, couldn't give less of a fuck if its shaved radish or carrots in his plate, this lady, she's gonna explode. I can see myself in her though, how simple things get when you're watching from afar..

So many people, so many different lives, but you can tell so much just by looking carefully into their eyes.

This woman sitting across an older man. She's paying attention but looks like her head's somewhere far away. The lines under her eyes, the worry lines, what will I look like when I'm her age, what did she look like when she was mine? Did she look younger? What happened to cause this look in her eyes?

I lose myself in these places.

...And then he comes walking in.

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU
I WANT YOU TO HIT ME

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU 

HARDER 

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU
I FUCKING HATE YOU
GO LOVE SOMEONE ELSE
FUCK
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
no... I love you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
Please don't stop
don't stop
please
please
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME
"I hate you so much"
"Really?"
"I hope you know."
"Well that's too bad because I  love you"
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
I'll go insane if I hear about you and someone else again.
Be mine. No, I don't want you. Just fucking belong to me.
Lust? LUST?
FUCK OFF.

Remember, its all about perception, right?

Okay well lately mine has been wonderfully adjusted to the right level where I care about what REALLY matters and is going to make a significant change in my life. I'm ending this semester on a high note. I'm starting this year on a higher note. The planet makes me happy.