10 years.

A decade.


Ten years of... I can't put myself through the time of looking for the rights words to sum up the past ten years. Ten years that you've been gone.


A customer just came in, asked me if I speak Russian. 
"Yes.You ask me that everytime you come in."
"Well you don't seem too eager about it."
"Because it's hard for me to speak Russian."
I stopped there. When did it become hard? How long has it been since I only knew Russian.. Ten years. When you were by my side, when I could relate to kids with siblings. 
"Do you have grandparents?"
"No."
"Oh.. are they in Russia?"
"No, I don't have grandparents ahaha."
"That's unusual."
..Not really..
"Don't forget where you're from."


But I'm forgetting.
I feel like it never existed, it feels like nothing more than a dream and I was born not earlier than 7 years ago. But I still hold on to the memories.
That room on Frunze street, building number 5. I remember you holding my hand when we crossed the street, I remember always getting you to stop at the red playground. Where I sat on the swing and listened carefully to you and mom talk. I remember tears, I remember you lying to me every time I asked what was wrong. I remember you squeezing my wrists onto the couch and not letting me move when I made you angry. I remember sitting on top of your shoulders and feeling like I was bigger than anything in this world, but you wouldn't speak to me.
But I also remember being in my room in that apartment, hiding from you under the desk when we were playing hide and seek. I never had anyone to play with. I hated all the kids at school and my friends were  older and lived far away. Just my room where I built a fort under my desk and played my own games. But you were always there. I might not remember much but fuck, I'll never forget how much you loved me. The tall wardrobe that looked like a giant, the balcony covered by shade coming from the trees that hovered above me when I sat there and made up stories of my future. 
I always tell people not to ask "what if?" but what if? What if you were still here with us? I know we would be perfect. You took his place, you took more than his place, you were the best source of protection anyone could ever ask for. I wish I could be like you. Mom wishes I could be like you. I know these problems wouldn't exist. Maybe they would but I wouldn't have such a hard time dealing with everything if you were with me. I wouldn't ever need another male in my life. So maybe I would have turned out right, but now my head's a mess. And a heart? Maybe you took it with you. I just know no other man can take your place, no other man is unconditional. I keep telling people and myself I don't remember you, but I do. I just pray these small memories won't fade. Because they mean EVERYTHING. I wish my memory was a little clearer. More than anything in this world, I want to remember. I need to remember. So ten years may be nothing, but to me, they are everything I have.. to be more accurate, it's the six years beforehand that give my whole meaning life.
I've become strong and I am becoming stronger everyday.. But nothing ever matters, because all I really want is to go back to that sunny place where it was just you and I, where I never saw past your eyes and your arms, where for me insanity and your words floated on the same waves of normalcy. What am I without you? What became of you, how did you burn out without him? Why you? Why him? What went wrong? Running over the same old ground. Same old fears. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year. I love you more than anything this world has ever seen, and I have never meant this so much. So happy birthday, tonight we'll do everything you wanted us to. I will never forget you, that is the only promise I know I can keep in this life, so save a place in heaven, until the next time we meet, forever.