Friday, December 17, 2010


I'm really sick. And as good as I feel during the night I can't go on feeling like this during the day anymore. I'm always the one to tell people that these things we feel are 75% self inflicted.. But why can't I fight it? The only place in the world where I feel completely comfortable anymore is the hospital. I really don't want to make this sound all dramatic for anyone but its the only way I can say the truth. Surrounded by doctors, that's the only time my anxiety fades. Of course this is also the case when I'm with you but of course you can't always be here, and the last thing I want my disease to do is bring you down with me. As exciting as these past two years have been, I've traveled to hell and back and way too fast, and way too soon. I want to save my life. I'm fucking scared I don't know who to call. Who could listen? Who could understand? No one knows, because I have kept it inside for a very long time. Scrolling through my phone with lists of familiar names all resembling sorts of warm memories. But fear.. Fear with every letter. I stop at "Sharon" and my eyes begin to sting. What happened following the day you left Benson Street? I don't remember what these things were that happened to me in the past five years that once mattered so much. I don't even remember how they made me feel. These people and places. All I know is how I feel now. How it has all affected me. From the ending of the eight grade, when everything began to get sucked into this black hole I have been inhibiting ever since. Teenage years? Possibly. But I've been witnessing my friends in their 20s still stuck on this same path. How did you and I find such different paths to follow, S? Different isn't the word-opposite. Yet deep inside we are the same little scared children. I feel like you're the only one I can really talk to right now. Because you remember the one thing I have forgotten - my roots. You can remind me of those little pieces that will make everything luminous again. But here I am - not able to dial your number. 
Mamas scared, and so am I. It just hit me in the face. She wants to send me to a facility so I can get my perception of the world straight again as well as my priorities. Surprised? I'm dying to go. 
Or should I just wait till nightime? Should I just call S, or E? Am I looking in the wrong place.. I'll just read the journal we made in 04' and listen to the soundtracks I made back when... 
Why don't we end this lie?
I can't pretend this time. 
I need a friend to find my broken mind before it falls to pieces.
Every time you tried to leave me blind-
You'll never close my eyes and watch me die. 
My teachers said its just a phase, when I grow up my children will probably do the same,
Kids just love to tease, but know it put me underground at 17.


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