Why do I still think about you? It has been seven fucking months. This makes me so fucking mad, so frustrated, I was so fucking into you and I didn't even know until I broke up with you. I blame myself for this all the fucking time. We talked for three-something months, like you said eighty-something days and I was more "in love" than I was with the guy who I dated for half a year and a month. I re-read that long letter you wrote me when I told you I never wanted to speak to you again. It brought everything back again, I really shouldn't have. You were so into me, but you didn't want that relationship. You were intimidated and I just made things worse, the way I am. Now guys come and go and all I can think about is you. How you brought me into a different world where nothing but us mattered. Fuck fuck FUCK. My eyes are stinging now.
It's funny how when something ends, you begin to think about how it started. The first time I saw you. The first conversation we had, to be honest I didn't feel attracted to you at all at first, but I started noticing the way you worded things, your words, your attitude, it drove me crazy. You were so smart. And my friends agreed. It seemed perfect and what I loved the most is you helped me get over a really bad patch in my life. You understood me, you knew how I was and why, you knew how insecure I felt all the time. It's pathetic but I always think back to that moment where I sat across from you at a table, it was dark outside and snowing, freezing. I grabbed your phone our of your hand and you reached back for it and I held your hand back. I just kept my hand on top of yours, holding it. If I only had one chance to go back and just grip it harder and kiss you and tell you how good you made me feel.
And for the saddest words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these "It could have been".
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