5:30 am

Time flies by when you're trying hard to sleep. The space of time from an hour ago when I woke up, up until now seems like nothing more than a couple of minutes. Everything is so quiet and artificial. Like a movie, a dream. Just images of my sheets and curtains and the scary tapping of the rain. Heart-warming and scary. I look out the window vividly remembering spring nights somewhere far far away from here. I remember the smell of the wet pavement sidewalks after it rained on a hot day, and water shaking down on me from tree leaves and it's branches. I remember every star. Not a single car passing, just a street-light here and there, praying on some sign that would encourage my strong belief in magic. It was 5:30 am. I don't know if that place exists. 


I woke up gasping for air, I don't think I've told anyone about chest pains. Why would I need to? You all know what its like. That little shortness of breath after every bad thought. It just keeps getting worse. It's become way too difficult to sleep on anything but my back. I can't fall asleep on my back, but I do wake up on it. Here's another one, deep breath, trying to catch it. What have I done to myself..


I like these moments. You don't feel anything, except stomach cramps and soar throats, reminding myself that I'm awake. Everything is so pure, clear, unknown. One of those moments when you feel like you've seen the world yet you were just born. As if I was taken back years ago and given a second chance. I'm smiling, and for once the corners of my mouth are rising without me trying. 
Maybe I'm stuck on a train. A train that I hope will take me far far away. 
Back to that place I used to inhibit, that place I pray is more than a dream.


Here it is.. 5:15 am. This only reminds me of one thing. Two summers ago when I stayed up every night for two weeks just to never miss the sunrise. Before the rays hit my bed, it felt exactly like this. A minute was a second, and that is all that exists in my head now and that existed then, time, and how angry its relativity makes me. I'm fully awake now, which scares me, as it comes with voices and shadows and the taunting realization that I have to get ready for school in two hours and face the world. Whether you are in a dream or awake - time moves two if not three times faster during the night. I don't want to go to sleep and leave this world I created for myself. But then again, I don't ever want to see another sunrise for a long long time. When you begin to feel too much, it's merely a sign that it is time for sleep.

Beware of Enthusiasm and Love.

Both are temporary and quick to sway.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry.

Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy?
Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love.
Oh, it's the best thing that you've ever had,
The best thing you've had has gone away
So don't leave me high, don't leave me dry.

I took my love down to..

There we sat in the snow, all that time she was silent still. Said; "If you love me, won't you let me know?"

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

We're going to finish school, get our honours and our degrees.
We'll meet new people, our parents will finally accept us.
We're going to live in a nice apartment in a nice city,
Where you can pick the furniture and I can pick the tableware. 
And the wallpaper, and the carpet, and the curtains.
Where I can wakeup before you,  and spill my dreams into a coffee mug, so you can smile.
Here will be a balcony, and flowers, and people walking down the street below us. 
The architecture filtering the sun that emits your bones. The coffee and the cream, my marlboro. Plans for the weekend. Equations for happiness. 
Here we will be able to do anything we like, because we'll give each other the freedom to be anyone we want to be. We will be two separate people, not a whole, and there will be comfort in this.


Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we’ll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase
San Francisco’s calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
We hung about the stadium, we’ve got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue’s crying too and well he may.

I love you I’ve a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the family why not that's absurd
“You’ll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job”
Maybe, but not what she deserves
Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll drink ourselves awake
We’ll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960's style
We’ll comment on the decor and we’ll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we’ll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare

Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside a diamond is a wrench
I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn’t come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You’d settle for an epitaph like “Walk Away, Renee”
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour.

Lady lost her love, and now she don't call, 

I'm leaning but I won't fall.

Remember September 11th? You lost your mom. I lost my heart.

Let me finish, I lost my start, 

We'll depart, we'll never meet again, 

That's the story as it's told, but even then,

You're still sitting in my lap.

S. Levy.

Walking down the old carpeted hall way of my shrinks apartment, feeling as my life and memories are slowly falling into place. Like the little "sub" fish of my conscience is finally floating on the surface. She said I have to find you. Whatever it takes, I need to speak to you, I need to find you because you made me who I am today, you're the one who's preventing me from progressing. You're the source of all the grief, love. Clinical grief.

I can find you, its not impossible though it has seemed this way for the past two years. Has it been two years? The kid in the mirror I knew two years ago could comprehend and feel a lot more than the kid I know today. I've lost count, but time only existed when you were around. Time was just around to help me sort out the chaos of the emotions and events that occurred the day we met, and during the years we knew each other, adrenaline pumping through our veins, rushing to our hearts and out our fingertips.. Most of all, time is here to ease the hell that took over after you packed up your whole life with me, our friends and this city, leaving space only for self-pity and amphetamines. That day you packed up all my ability to love and be loved. You know, I've been wondering, what is it that's wrong with me that won't let me be happy with anyone else? I never thought it was you until this day. I'm hitting these keys so hard, I haven't been this angry in a long time, this is as cliche as every other movie I could relate my life to. But I'm also ecstatic, because I want to move on. I hate myself for not realizing this sooner, I hate myself because I look for you in every face I meet. I hate myself because I search for you in every crowd I get lost in. Only unfamiliar places give me hope, since your presence left all the familiar ones. You left me with nothing but memories and the fear to ever love anyone except you. This fear that I thought was just a disability. Today I'm able. 

But I will speak to you again. I will find you before you find me. I will send you all the unsent emails, and you will know all the details of the past two years. You will feel what I've felt. This is what has been missing all along; the lack of closure. I need you now, because you've never left my mind until this day and I cannot continue living this way, I need you to know, because once you do, both of us can move on. I need our fishbowl to break.

Evoking.

Lay down next to you in bed just to try and let you know that I know how you feel.

Getting lost in a crowd, louder music, bigger smiles, distractions, sweeter and sweeter..

Overactive minds, hazy hazy, blurred too. 

Move closer, please, it's cold.

Memory on 0. 

Leave my house almost tripping running to your door.

To make sure you're okay.

Because it rips me apart inside, your pain passed to me like thunder to electricity pole.

To let you know I care.

To find someone who feels just as damaged as me.

So we can lay in that room for hours, evoking. 

So I can be a friend. I like being a friend.

It's been lonely and cold, everything feels just as hard as the ice covered path to your house on which I tripped on several occasions skipping steps to get to you as fast as possible.

To realize everyone's alone.

And the weathers changing, suddenly, just like the tears that were poured out Sunday night. 

For which I apologize, to you, to JJ and to J.

I'm sorry you had to ask "What's wrong?"

I can no longer write.

I wish I was better so you could call this blog "refreshing" again.

I miss comfort.

I've been hungry.

And despite all the smiles, I still break down night after night of saying "Good Night."

You said you'd be down, and for once it made sense. I liked that moment, it worked, it clicked. You said you thought so too. Nonetheless I shouldn't even be thinking about it because of the past year and a half that I've known you for, I should have learned better than to trust you. But don't you love that? The things that can happen at a party that won't happen in the morning?
Thank god Im past that, not real if you won't be there in the morning.