Monday, February 28, 2011

5:30 am

Time flies by when you're trying hard to sleep. The space of time from an hour ago when I woke up, up until now seems like nothing more than a couple of minutes. Everything is so quiet and artificial. Like a movie, a dream. Just images of my sheets and curtains and the scary tapping of the rain. Heart-warming and scary. I look out the window vividly remembering spring nights somewhere far far away from here. I remember the smell of the wet pavement sidewalks after it rained on a hot day, and water shaking down on me from tree leaves and it's branches. I remember every star. Not a single car passing, just a street-light here and there, praying on some sign that would encourage my strong belief in magic. It was 5:30 am. I don't know if that place exists. 

I woke up gasping for air, I don't think I've told anyone about chest pains. Why would I need to? You all know what its like. That little shortness of breath after every bad thought. It just keeps getting worse. It's become way too difficult to sleep on anything but my back. I can't fall asleep on my back, but I do wake up on it. Here's another one, deep breath, trying to catch it. What have I done to myself..

I like these moments. You don't feel anything, except stomach cramps and soar throats, reminding myself that I'm awake. Everything is so pure, clear, unknown. One of those moments when you feel like you've seen the world yet you were just born. As if I was taken back years ago and given a second chance. I'm smiling, and for once the corners of my mouth are rising without me trying. 
Maybe I'm stuck on a train. A train that I hope will take me far far away. 
Back to that place I used to inhibit, that place I pray is more than a dream.

Here it is.. 5:15 am. This only reminds me of one thing. Two summers ago when I stayed up every night for two weeks just to never miss the sunrise. Before the rays hit my bed, it felt exactly like this. A minute was a second, and that is all that exists in my head now and that existed then, time, and how angry its relativity makes me. I'm fully awake now, which scares me, as it comes with voices and shadows and the taunting realization that I have to get ready for school in two hours and face the world. Whether you are in a dream or awake - time moves two if not three times faster during the night. I don't want to go to sleep and leave this world I created for myself. But then again, I don't ever want to see another sunrise for a long long time. When you begin to feel too much, it's merely a sign that it is time for sleep.

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