my mind in a song

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
Crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and dying..

And sometimes when you're on 
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fuckin cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better
And You'll be smarter
And More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful.
You'll be happy.

Your ship may be comin in
You're weak but not givin in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
And your ship may be comin in
You're weak but not givin in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fightin all of em

do you want to go to the seaside

I've watched 7 films since I got here. On average two hours per film? 14 hours in the past three and a half days spent watching and rewatching movies; I'm Not There, Pulp Fiction, Uptown Girls, Candy, etc. Candy was amazing. 
I thought I would be fine on my own. Just walking, breathing, doing what I do best; observing. Taking time to think on the seaside, writing. I still can't write.
But I cant stand still either. I always need that sense of being on an edge. I'll have a cigarette on my balcony instead of walking down the road, I'll walk to the beach at night hoping to find a party, I'll always smile at the drunk boy with the sleeve, he's got to be fun.
At times it's just chaos I want. 
At times I look around wishing someone special was here. Someone who would cross a bridge with me to a little island on a river, lay there, sharing a smoke and breathing the warm air,  searching for constellations, smiling for the same reason. 
Neither of us would care that it is past 2 am, we would never take a step away from the seashore, until we could no longer walk and even then we would stay there, until it got too cold or the lights began to fade. 
I guess I just wish I wasn't alone in this room right now. I hope I will feel a little better walking to the beach in a few minutes, and I will be smiling when I run into the water, because that is the only place where nothing ever mattered. At least now I am sure of one thing; it does not matter if I am at my friends cottage, or at a five star hotel in Mexico. It does not matter if I'm drinking home made iced tea or being served daiquiris on a platter, the only thing that ever mattered is that my happiness is only real when shared.
Unfortunately I can't share it with everybody. But then again, my time just hasn't come yet, one day I will be here with someone I love, someone who makes my life beautiful. 
I will be so fucking happy.

in an aeroplane over the sea

Something feels strange. I'm on the plane waititng to take off, on my way back to the South. A man passes me as he's walking down the isle, he looks directly at me. My heart begins racing; he has your eyes, the shape, the colour, the worried expression. I look around; everything is identical, my mom is sitting in the same position, reading the same magazine, all the memories are hitting me in images. I'm trying to take deep breaths, someones pushing me, the air is so dry... It feels like this is a plane to the past..no, different country, forget everything.

we fight, it's what we do

letting you go was the biggest mistake i've made
pushing you away
when you were everything i loved
when you're everything i could love
i hope you find this one day
please come back
i can't live on memories 

I won't miss this place.

Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.

You always hurt the one you love

The one you shouldn’t hurt at all

You always take the sweetest rose

And crush it until the petals fall

You always break the kindest heart

With a hasty word you can’t recall

And If I broke your heart last night

It’s because I love you most of all

And All that Lingers is the Smell of You..

I once swore if I threw that smell into a wishing well all the wishes in the world would come true.

"you were talking to yourself the whole night"

I can't cry because I'm afraid that it will take too much effort. I'm too tired to cry. It's like I'm used to it now. Physical pain, it numbs out anything emotional. Except this time it's useless since there is nothing to numb. Walking through the city that I love so much, I would give anything to be at home in my bed away from everything, everything this world throws at me on a daily basis. Begging my legs to not give in and counting the lights on he sky scrapers  just to keep my head up, throw something at me to make this go away. Wishing the escalator under my feet broke down, I turn around to look into Aritzia, wishing this whole mall would go up in flames...
And there you are. Someone I've been wishing to be close to for something that seems like a long time. We smile as we utter the same thing and you wrap your arms around me. There. I wish I stayed there for the rest of the night. Because there I felt nothing. Warmth, your smell, the lock of your arms behind me.
Subway, gripping my drink like a crux. Someone is talking to me, someone is smiling, a lot of people with empathy in their eyes.
A look around.
A look, a round.
I can't go on. Because my insides are shuffling with every bump the bus encounters, I can't stop shaking, there's a hammer swinging from my forehead to my neck echoing thuds all through to my feet where the bones crack with every step. Like knives being sharpened. Everyones staring now. My heart feels like someone is sticking pins through it. Masterpiece.
Lock me away, anywhere from here. Where they'll check my blood and bring me water and sleeping pills. But even there I'm alone. Even there there room is empty and no one is paid to hold my hand.
Where are you?

Flashback.

Sleeping in the passenger seat this morning, I wake up and open my eyes a tiny bit, to see the cars flying by, the people, the light. Another blink and I see more light, more colours. All the memories of saturday night. The music, how happy everyone around me made me. I still see those lights everywhere.


I think it is safe to say everyone left this world that night. I'm glad I remember, scratch marks on my ribs, writing on the bathroom stalls and daydreams now serve as reminders.