Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"you were talking to yourself the whole night"

I can't cry because I'm afraid that it will take too much effort. I'm too tired to cry. It's like I'm used to it now. Physical pain, it numbs out anything emotional. Except this time it's useless since there is nothing to numb. Walking through the city that I love so much, I would give anything to be at home in my bed away from everything, everything this world throws at me on a daily basis. Begging my legs to not give in and counting the lights on he sky scrapers  just to keep my head up, throw something at me to make this go away. Wishing the escalator under my feet broke down, I turn around to look into Aritzia, wishing this whole mall would go up in flames...
And there you are. Someone I've been wishing to be close to for something that seems like a long time. We smile as we utter the same thing and you wrap your arms around me. There. I wish I stayed there for the rest of the night. Because there I felt nothing. Warmth, your smell, the lock of your arms behind me.
Subway, gripping my drink like a crux. Someone is talking to me, someone is smiling, a lot of people with empathy in their eyes.
A look around.
A look, a round.
I can't go on. Because my insides are shuffling with every bump the bus encounters, I can't stop shaking, there's a hammer swinging from my forehead to my neck echoing thuds all through to my feet where the bones crack with every step. Like knives being sharpened. Everyones staring now. My heart feels like someone is sticking pins through it. Masterpiece.
Lock me away, anywhere from here. Where they'll check my blood and bring me water and sleeping pills. But even there I'm alone. Even there there room is empty and no one is paid to hold my hand.
Where are you?

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