Saturday, August 6, 2011

Te Amo

Thank you so much for existing. Thank you the miracle of life for this gift, to be able to have people come into my life and prove to me that what I imagine in my dreams is possible. Thank you, the salt in the breeze of the Mediterranean Sea, a million stars and green eyes for allowing the inspiration to write. Thank you the warm, comforting touch that I have been waiting for, for which I will wait for.
It’s amazing and unfair how fate and genuine happiness work in life. This is why I fear travel, because I know I will find happiness over seas. And I do, it’s always perfect, everything about it. So perfect that two hours into finding it I am already more in love and euphoric than I have been in years, back at the mainland.  Don’t mistake me, this is not infatuation or any kind of naive girl having her dream come true, I know when something is real when I see it. It’s sad just how well I know this feeling, how many times I've felt it in my dreams, enough to be tested on it. This is the exact feeling I dread every time before getting on a plane, every time my eyes meet someone else’s when I am here, this flame inside my chest that slowly kills me as it goes out when it’s time to part. This flame that I get the insane pleasure to start up maybe once every few years.  Fuck these metaphors, I find love here and it scares me to hell. I knew I would meet him and I did. There he is, right in front of me, and he looks exactly like what I imagined and is just crazy enough to be perfect for me. The kind that if I met back on the mainland would automatically be labeled as emotionally unavailable, even then that would be a miracle. I’m fucking speechless. Every word, every dream, every idea fit together perfectly. As two parallel lines with an ocean between them. Everything I have ever wanted, is laid out in front of me without games or doubts, we are both thinking the exact same thing and we are sure of it. I have not felt this close to a human being in years. I have not felt this sure and euphoric in anyone’s arms before. Not that I have much to compare to, but I do have my biggest dreams to compare to and it stings like hell to realize I am not dreaming this time. Here I am, feeling my grand wish being brought to reality and realizing that here right with you is exactly what you have always wanted.
“How can someone be so great, so perfect, how can life just throw them at you and take them away moments later?"
Life is cruel but maybe it is just bored. I’m a fucking marionette but I can fight it. In a few years, besides settling, what isn’t going to be possible? This burning flame is feeding all my voids. It feels so good not being a realist.
My life so far, is a Sofia Coppola movie. I doubt anyone has read this far but if you have, I’m just trying to make you understand this feeling, not that you will due to the trouble I have been having expressing myself with English words. With words, in general. That’s the thing with the mainland, everything is and always will be suppressed. That is the main talent that everyone here on the other end of the world has. Tonight I felt someone express their every thought and feeling to me and do it in a way that I could call art. This is why these people don’t fill their heads with trash. This is why they live a life of genuine and clear content. This is why I dread coming back to the mainland and watch kids drink themselves half to death just to try and be half as bold and clear headed as anyone here, and I am sorry. I am sorry we and that is myself included have become this way. I am sorry that I got taken away from here. I am not sorry and am rather grateful that I am aware of what is out there. It’s insane how helpless yet old I feel at such a young age. Thank you life and August 6, 2011 for giving me one more dream to wait/live for.  We’ve still got a few hours in the morning, but I already miss you.

I prayed that the days would last, they went so fast,
Tropical the island breeze, all that made you wild and free, this is where I long to be.

You're off on a plane, you leave your name, your smell and my memory. Alone on a boat, I want to stay still forever.

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