My Life Be Like

What the fuck has this past year been like?


I just got home from yet another party and yet again I feel like shit. I always went for the wrong men. Wait, not always, just the past year. There is a knife in my spine and it keeps twisting, I keep trying to think of who exactly is holding it just to forget that it's my own hand. 


I don't remember what love feels like.


Two years ago I was madly in love and it was so pure and real, now I brought myself into a world of needy feelings and month long "relationships". 


I miss, more than anything in the world, the feeling of having that "one" for me. That one person  who I unconditionally love, that knows me inside and out and I feel completely secure about. 


Nothing about unanswered texts,
Nothing about not knowing how they feel about you,
Nothing about wanting to kill myself every morning


This is such a pathetic entry!
I cant even write anymore!
Hold a fucking gun to my head and I won't be able to give you a decent piece of writing. 
Why do I let people see me in this light?


I was so happy a few hours ago.. 
Where is my mind,
What am I doing
what am i doing
what am i doing
what am i doing
what am i doing
what am i doing


every noise, every cell of this computer screen that lights up this room, every breath, everything hurts 


I can't even breathe, I'm so sick.

My Personality Disorders

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

"You Make Me Feel an Unrecognizable Way"

Why do I still think about you? It has been seven fucking months. This makes me so fucking mad, so frustrated, I was so fucking into you and I didn't even know until I broke up with you. I blame myself for this all the fucking time. We talked for three-something months, like you said eighty-something days and I was more "in love" than I was with the guy who I dated for half a year and a month. I re-read that long letter you wrote me when I told you I never wanted to speak to you again. It brought everything back again, I really shouldn't have. You were so into me, but you didn't want that relationship. You were intimidated and I just made things worse, the way I am. Now guys come and go and all I can think about is you. How you brought me into a different world where nothing but us mattered. Fuck fuck FUCK. My eyes are stinging now. 


It's funny how when something ends,  you begin to think about how it started. The first time I saw you. The first conversation we had, to be honest I didn't feel attracted to you at all at first, but I started noticing the way you worded things, your words, your attitude, it drove me crazy. You were so smart. And my friends agreed. It seemed perfect and what I loved the most is you helped me get over a really bad patch in my life. You understood me, you knew how I was and why, you knew how insecure I felt all the time. It's pathetic but I always think back to that moment where I sat across from you at a table, it was dark outside and snowing, freezing. I grabbed your phone our of your hand and you reached back for it and I held your hand back. I just kept my hand on top of yours, holding it. If I only had one chance to go back and just grip it harder and kiss you and tell you how good you made me feel.


And for the saddest words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these "It could have been".

"I'm going to miss this"

Probably the best weekend of my life.


As I said before, me, A, K, M and E with her boyfriend J all drove up to M's cottage for two nights and I must say it was even better than excepted. Everything, almost, was perfect except I left my camera at home. It kills me just thinking about all those pictures we could have taken, life in an album.


A car ride for three hours, the wind through the window, drinking your coffee, your big eyes, the smoke of your cigarette, your shoulder under my head, I feel so right when I'm next to you. I never think about you, but when you're with me I just wish I could act like you're mine. 


We took a boat across the lake to Lobe's cottage, the sights are beyond fucking beautiful. In all honesty, and I said this so many times, it was the most beautiful place I've seen since Cuba. I feel at peace, the world is quiet here.


We shared a coffee, belmonts, tiramisu, trees, a bed. Why did I feel that way when you moved in closer and you gripped your arms around me? I never feel that way the first time I kiss someone. Drink after drink after drink after drink, people start arguing, J and A don't get through the night and A gets his eye punched in. He said he'd leave in the morning and I felt my stomach sinking.


"You're probably one of the top reasons why I came here."
"Really?" He stops screaming about everything,
"I thought it was obvious."
"No." 
I take his hand and everything is better, soon we go to bed but there was no sleeping, just me and him and the taste of vodka in my mouth for hours.
Everyone is telling me I can do better, so why you on my mind now? I think your name reminds me of happy times.

I love Kate. She just makes me happy, there are to insecurities with her, we just flow together, it's always perfect no matter what we do. I hope she stays in my life, I really do.


So everything was going perfect until last night, we came back to Woodbridge and all stayed at Kate's. A drank too much... and I saw it coming too.
"Quitting smoking"
"Ahahahaa"
"Lets shake on it."
"Can we kiss on it?"
And that's the last sign of any feelings I got from him. 


Me and Kate are talking about my obsession for Cudi, how much I would love to marry him and of course as always, Kate screams out "nightrider!" and A follows her by calling me "Kit" and suddenly,
"But she's got a thing for an Italian kid!"
Everyone hears, I'm too gone to even give a normal reaction, I just smile "You're not sleeping in the same room as me tonight."


Today's morning was dead, F calls me and asks to chill tonight, I guess we will, I'll see Helena and talk to her about everything...


I can't wait to see what's next.

Mr. Ristich

Remember you told me once to blog about you? Back when I sat outside on my deck on a warm night and had that amazing conversation with you that I believe made both of us happy..
Well here is your entry.
How long did you think it would take till I found out about her...?
When we make plans and you suddenly back out, "sleeping" isn't a believable excuse. Come on, you're out there, you should know better.
Be more careful next time, because more people want us apart than together, and so many people are willing to tell me everything to keep us from liking eachother.
But you know, I'm not mad. At all actually, I feel so good these days. Because it's been nearly a week that I haven't thought of you, ever since saturday you've been just a tiny detail, but now that I know this, all I can do is smile and wait for the results.
I remember N. told me you had a good heart and I believed him. I also believed you when you said your mother raised you to respect females. Wow, and I kept wondering what I did wrong. Nothing. Not this time, I was so smooth.
I hope this actually sinks into your brain, you fucking need it, but I'm going to let you go now, superstar.

Wrecked Paradise

I think I found something I needed for a long time. This may be the really wrong way to get where I want, this might be all a fucked up illusion but it feels so good. In this place, nothing matters. No sadness, no frowns, no insecurities, just love. Love in the eyes of every stranger I see, love in the touch of all my friends. The soundwaves of someone's voice putting me into peace. The boy who I needed yesterday just seems like a vague memory in my mind, the things he says, I know I'll always be fine no matter what he does. This brought me out into a world of my own, and here, nothing matters. This is where I start living, because once all is gone, is when you can really begin your life.

What's wrong with me.

No more drinking. No more, no more no more no no no no no nononononoo
I've heard myself say that over and over again
It's not that I love it
I just do stupid shit when I am


There was a party tonight. Kleinburg, as always people get wasted and start fights, of course. Cops came, we had to leave before 11. Pathetic. I came home smelling like shit but caught D on the way, the best part of tonight. 


Kind of tipsy, I call A.
"What did I do?"
"What?"
He's with people.
"Why did we stop talking"
"I don't know how to reach you.."
"You can always message me..."
*sigh*
I feel crushed.
"Let me know what I did wrong when you can. Bye"
You were special.


My last Belmont and my wish bogie broke as I ran from the park. Everything feels broken like that, in hald. Crushed wishes. 

I can ride my bike with no handlebars.

I met a boy a while back at a party and we spent the day together last night and it's something different. It's not even physical, I just want to make him happy. My newest project, this one I'm planning on completing. I also love my girl K!


Today I remind a friend that we had plans for thursday.. "Did you just deicide this.... :| " Nice. 


Beach.

Windy Suntans

Cancelled all my plans and spent the day at simcoe, coming back to buy another pack and a walk with E, she makes me nervous. My mother is driving me crazy. 
Woke up early today, no water or electricity in the house.. Supposed to be seeing a boy who I would marry if I could, and I am, in a few minutes... I get nervous at the wrong times.
Stayed up till 4 am talking to I. He will probably read this eventually and despise me a little bit more. He's my favorite boy ever, when he's high as fuck. I don't even know if our conversations work when he's sober. 
He talks to me like he wants to these days. He says the past is vague. 
"You don't want to see me."
"Yes, I do. I want to see you, all of you." Well I still want you back. But not in a way that I'm not over you, I finally am, just in a way that I want you for one night to make all those things we talked about come true. One night. Maybe in Tokyo. 


Me and A haven't talked in almost two days now, are we done? I don't understand what happened. I really liked you. What did I do? I don't know but I'm not worried. That's as much as I'm willing to write about you.

Bees and Shakespeare

I have been missing B a lot lately. I got to her street and saw V with his friend, just as B was walking towards us.  We went down to Brunette, V blazed and I cleared it. I put my bag onto a handle that I later realized was a bee's nest. One bee sting and we went home, me and B got ready to go to High Park to see Twelfth Night which was amazing.


Tea, Belmont, Planet Starbucks.. 
We always try to change ourselves to be more liked, or to be understood. 
It is so rare these days but there are people of such intelligence that you don't have to try to be anything for. 
They just know what matters to them and they love you no matter what.
"Everybody is going to hurt you,  you just have to find the ones worth suffering for." 
I felt so calm and happy, inspired, I love calm evenings.