When driving you will come across many red lights. You will come across more red lights when you're driving drunk. During these few seconds I pray for any kind of disturbance. Someone slightly brushing the car, waking me up with prolonging honking. A crash, a fire, explosion, motor failure, broken breaks, anything. To feel excitement for once  in a miserable life. To feel.

About self-destruction.

At the time, my life just seemed too complete, and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.

Plan to Sort out my Life

Flush the booze
Set the alarm
Medicate the brain
Have one more
Smoke

Clean the house
Wash the dishes
Call my mother
Find a job

Drink wine, moderately
Eat cheese

Go to the gym
Take a spin class
Call friends: colleagues
Host a dinner party
Send out Christmas cards

Meet a man
Tonight,
Marry him
Next week,
Kids in
Two weeks,
Mortgage in
A month,
Retirement by
Christmas.

Divorced by 28
And
Dead by 30
Hopefully.

where is my mind

My heart's racing again, I'm forgetting to breathe..
I'm just beginning to learn how my brain has this way to block out memories and store them in the back of my head, but just because I forget about it doesn't mean it doesn't eat at me..
Both mine and K's eyes rolled up with tears and flashbacks of August spread across the rear view window, the night that changed, or I could now say scarred me for a long time.


It was a dream, a beautiful dream. 
I remember everything. Kate held my hand, Marko held my hand. I told them everything. Everything because it needed to be said. Because it's safe with them. He told me we're a family, and his smile came at me in thousands of waves, spread across my cheeks, and out into the rest of my world, to let me know there is still love for me. He told me he would be there. He promised to keep her, because without her this dream would be incomplete. For one evening, nothing in the world mattered, and everything made sense. Submerged in a world of my own. My perfect dream, a fool's paradise where every sound made me ecstatic. Chemicals. That night I found a new family, that night I stayed up in my shower until the sunlight grasping my heart praying to stay alive.


With your feet in the air and your head on the ground

Try this trick and spin it
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind?


What happened to you? What happened to us? What was once golden faded with every long night. 
But none of this matters anymore, because I put the past aside a while ago.
I'm sitting in the front seat of D's car with a familiar song blaring from the speakers into the cold night. I wake up. This moment, G's hand in mine, this is exactly what I felt seven months ago hearing it for the first time and once again.. Nothing matters. I lean back as he grips my arm tighter and I feel the blush rushing to my brain, here, I am in a world of my own. A world I checked out of  a long time ago, but I never left.

Click.

my mind in a song

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
Crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and dying..

And sometimes when you're on 
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fuckin cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better
And You'll be smarter
And More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful.
You'll be happy.

Your ship may be comin in
You're weak but not givin in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
And your ship may be comin in
You're weak but not givin in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fightin all of em

do you want to go to the seaside

I've watched 7 films since I got here. On average two hours per film? 14 hours in the past three and a half days spent watching and rewatching movies; I'm Not There, Pulp Fiction, Uptown Girls, Candy, etc. Candy was amazing. 
I thought I would be fine on my own. Just walking, breathing, doing what I do best; observing. Taking time to think on the seaside, writing. I still can't write.
But I cant stand still either. I always need that sense of being on an edge. I'll have a cigarette on my balcony instead of walking down the road, I'll walk to the beach at night hoping to find a party, I'll always smile at the drunk boy with the sleeve, he's got to be fun.
At times it's just chaos I want. 
At times I look around wishing someone special was here. Someone who would cross a bridge with me to a little island on a river, lay there, sharing a smoke and breathing the warm air,  searching for constellations, smiling for the same reason. 
Neither of us would care that it is past 2 am, we would never take a step away from the seashore, until we could no longer walk and even then we would stay there, until it got too cold or the lights began to fade. 
I guess I just wish I wasn't alone in this room right now. I hope I will feel a little better walking to the beach in a few minutes, and I will be smiling when I run into the water, because that is the only place where nothing ever mattered. At least now I am sure of one thing; it does not matter if I am at my friends cottage, or at a five star hotel in Mexico. It does not matter if I'm drinking home made iced tea or being served daiquiris on a platter, the only thing that ever mattered is that my happiness is only real when shared.
Unfortunately I can't share it with everybody. But then again, my time just hasn't come yet, one day I will be here with someone I love, someone who makes my life beautiful. 
I will be so fucking happy.

in an aeroplane over the sea

Something feels strange. I'm on the plane waititng to take off, on my way back to the South. A man passes me as he's walking down the isle, he looks directly at me. My heart begins racing; he has your eyes, the shape, the colour, the worried expression. I look around; everything is identical, my mom is sitting in the same position, reading the same magazine, all the memories are hitting me in images. I'm trying to take deep breaths, someones pushing me, the air is so dry... It feels like this is a plane to the past..no, different country, forget everything.

we fight, it's what we do

letting you go was the biggest mistake i've made
pushing you away
when you were everything i loved
when you're everything i could love
i hope you find this one day
please come back
i can't live on memories 

I won't miss this place.

Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.

You always hurt the one you love

The one you shouldn’t hurt at all

You always take the sweetest rose

And crush it until the petals fall

You always break the kindest heart

With a hasty word you can’t recall

And If I broke your heart last night

It’s because I love you most of all

And All that Lingers is the Smell of You..

I once swore if I threw that smell into a wishing well all the wishes in the world would come true.

"you were talking to yourself the whole night"

I can't cry because I'm afraid that it will take too much effort. I'm too tired to cry. It's like I'm used to it now. Physical pain, it numbs out anything emotional. Except this time it's useless since there is nothing to numb. Walking through the city that I love so much, I would give anything to be at home in my bed away from everything, everything this world throws at me on a daily basis. Begging my legs to not give in and counting the lights on he sky scrapers  just to keep my head up, throw something at me to make this go away. Wishing the escalator under my feet broke down, I turn around to look into Aritzia, wishing this whole mall would go up in flames...
And there you are. Someone I've been wishing to be close to for something that seems like a long time. We smile as we utter the same thing and you wrap your arms around me. There. I wish I stayed there for the rest of the night. Because there I felt nothing. Warmth, your smell, the lock of your arms behind me.
Subway, gripping my drink like a crux. Someone is talking to me, someone is smiling, a lot of people with empathy in their eyes.
A look around.
A look, a round.
I can't go on. Because my insides are shuffling with every bump the bus encounters, I can't stop shaking, there's a hammer swinging from my forehead to my neck echoing thuds all through to my feet where the bones crack with every step. Like knives being sharpened. Everyones staring now. My heart feels like someone is sticking pins through it. Masterpiece.
Lock me away, anywhere from here. Where they'll check my blood and bring me water and sleeping pills. But even there I'm alone. Even there there room is empty and no one is paid to hold my hand.
Where are you?

Flashback.

Sleeping in the passenger seat this morning, I wake up and open my eyes a tiny bit, to see the cars flying by, the people, the light. Another blink and I see more light, more colours. All the memories of saturday night. The music, how happy everyone around me made me. I still see those lights everywhere.


I think it is safe to say everyone left this world that night. I'm glad I remember, scratch marks on my ribs, writing on the bathroom stalls and daydreams now serve as reminders. 

And YOU, you write such pretty words, but love's no storybook. 

we are nowhere and it's now

If you hate the taste of wine 
Why do you drink it until you're blind? 
And if you swear that there's no truth and who cares
How come you say it like you're right?

Why are you scared to dream of God 
When it's salvation that you want? 
You see stars that clear have been dead for years 
But the idea just lives on 

In our wheels that roll around 
As we move over the ground
And all day it seems we've been in between 
The past and future town

We are nowhere, and it's now
We are nowhere, and it's now

And like a ten minute dream in the passenger seat 
While the world was flying by
I haven't been gone very long 
But it feels like a lifetime 

I've been sleeping so strange at night
Side effects they don't advertise
I've been sleeping so strange 
With a head full of pesticide

I've got no plans and too much time
I feel too restless to unwind
I'm always lost in thought as I walk the block 
To my favorite neon sign 

Where the waitress looks concerned
But she never says a word
Just turns the jukebox on and we hum along 
And I smile back at her

And my friend comes after work 
When the features start to blur
She says these bars are filled with things that kill
By now you probably should have learned 

Did you forget that yellow bird? 
How could you forget your yellow bird? 

She took a small silver wreath and pinned it on to me
She said, "This one will bring you love" 
And I don't know if it's true
But I keep it for good luck 

I've always loved Charles Bukowski.

“Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you’re allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It’s like killing yourself, and then you’re reborn. I guess I’ve lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.”

 Then a Bob Dylan song comes on in the cafe, and everything makes sense again.

Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it.