I've watched 7 films since I got here. On average two hours per film? 14 hours in the past three and a half days spent watching and rewatching movies; I'm Not There, Pulp Fiction, Uptown Girls, Candy, etc. Candy was amazing.
I thought I would be fine on my own. Just walking, breathing, doing what I do best; observing. Taking time to think on the seaside, writing. I still can't write.
But I cant stand still either. I always need that sense of being on an edge. I'll have a cigarette on my balcony instead of walking down the road, I'll walk to the beach at night hoping to find a party, I'll always smile at the drunk boy with the sleeve, he's got to be fun.
At times it's just chaos I want.
At times I look around wishing someone special was here. Someone who would cross a bridge with me to a little island on a river, lay there, sharing a smoke and breathing the warm air, searching for constellations, smiling for the same reason.
Neither of us would care that it is past 2 am, we would never take a step away from the seashore, until we could no longer walk and even then we would stay there, until it got too cold or the lights began to fade.
I guess I just wish I wasn't alone in this room right now. I hope I will feel a little better walking to the beach in a few minutes, and I will be smiling when I run into the water, because that is the only place where nothing ever mattered. At least now I am sure of one thing; it does not matter if I am at my friends cottage, or at a five star hotel in Mexico. It does not matter if I'm drinking home made iced tea or being served daiquiris on a platter, the only thing that ever mattered is that my happiness is only real when shared.
Unfortunately I can't share it with everybody. But then again, my time just hasn't come yet, one day I will be here with someone I love, someone who makes my life beautiful.
I will be so fucking happy.
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