this is all

You know..

I dream sometimes about flying. It starts out like I’m running really, really fast. I’m like, superhuman. And the terrain starts to get really rocky and steep. And then I’m running so fast that my feet aren’t touching the ground. And I’m floating, and it’s like this amazing, amazing realness. I’m free. I’m safe. Then I realize… I’m completely alone. And then I wake up.

This actually DEFINES you, bestie.

Downhill

What just happened? I'm slipping without any awareness...

I don't know what it was that made me believe that I was doing good in school, I was so sure, I got 80s-90s on my assignments and tests I feel like vomiting when looking at this report card. Needless to say my mother has given up on my marks a long time ago, but now, wow, it really hit me. I need to work. I need to focus, I need help, whats the point...whats the point...

I feel like I'm beginning to go back down that path that I was going down this time last year.. But this time it's different. It's more of a numb feeling. For the lack of better words; I don't feel like I really care about anything. My birthday really broke me. My mother really broke me. Me and Alex were talking about this and we both sort of froze up at the sentence of "I don't understand the gene in Russian people that makes them so heartless." All I want is my mom back. I need that unconditional love I used to have so much of. I need it. I'm scaring myself.

Tweeking like crazy second period and lunch and no one even knew, I kept staring at my phone, I wanted to talk to E about it because at least he'd understand but he was on his own trip. I took more, I snapped at B. I sat back and closed my eyes and saw nothing, blank. I did not feel anything, I did not think of anyone as more than an image in my head. I remembered this feeling, the first time I felt it, the last time I felt it.

I miss you.

tumblr is amazing

Can I, Can I Save You From You?

Cause you notice something missing in that champagne you been sipping,

Isn't supposed to make you different all the time, 

It's starting to feel like the wrong thing to do, 

I believe in people like you.

I swear I always fall for your type,

Tell me why I always fall for your type?

Happy Barfday

         As you may have heard before, Ghandi said that everything you do in life will be insignificant. But it is very important that you do it, because no one else will. On my 16th birthday I thought of what people would think and say if I suddenly abandoned this world. How would people feel? I know if one of my closest friends came to end their life I would give up, on everything. The hope they granted me when we met, the hope that there are still good people in this world and the hope that I am able to be happy. The ladder they built for me, the belief that there is something at the end of that ladder, is what they gave me; something to believe in. If they left this world, they would take all the hope with them. Everything they have taught me that has saved me from myself, in reality they did not believe themselves. Do you know what it's like to realize that everything you believed in is complete and utter bullshit? I sure as hell do not want my friends to find out. In this period of my life that is the purpose my friends serve, they bring me back to that place that I thought did no exist past my baby cradle. A place of no battle, loss, insecurity, when nothing mattered but the moment and it's beauty. A blank slate, far away from everything that I have been exposed to on this planet. So I sat here, thinking about how meaningless our existence is. Every-time I smiled, it quickly faded because "what is the point" ran through my head. Then I looked up at the sun and I realized; that is the point, that is the purpose, the exact same one that my friends have. In the Vietnam war, was there really a purpose for the horror? Does anyone even remember "what the point" was? Of course not. But why did the soldiers carry on in the battle? Why did they fight? For each other.
     In my point of view, humans do not belong on Earth anyways. We put holes in the ozone layer and holes in the ground just to fuel our own unnecessary pleasures. Animals live for the planet. But humans, we live for each other, and that, is the meaning. Just like the sun, when I look up at it and all my sorrow inside the bell jar I have created for myself evaporates. So just like my favorite star, we have a purpose. To light up each other's lives, to make the scary shadows and the voices in my head come to an end.

I don't know what has been going on in my head lately.


Order,

Trash

Withdrawal

The Short Scale of Life

Skinny Skinny Skinny

I miss you

I want you back

I hate you

Coffee

Blank,

Blank,

Blank.



I have gone insane. Every time I get really happy the thought that nothing in the world is worth anything comes to mind. I'm sitting there and Jay is telling me all these things that are making so much sense and would have made me happy about two months ago. But in the back of my head is "I'll be gone soon. I won't exist. Therefore this does not matter." Where did all my emotions go? This is what I wanted for the longest time. To be just a robot for my teenage years. But there is still fear; everything else has evaporated but not this black cloud over my head. Words come in sounds and circle around my ears and evaporate. Everything is moving so slow, I don't even know what perception is.

Touch; electronic signals being sent to my brain, I feel, I touch, but there is no reaction. It's just my skin, my hands, the constant thought of the end.

I tried the one thing I have stayed furthest from my whole life; religion. Because I need to believe in something in order to have purpose in my life. There; I do not believe in anything.

I listened to the priest read his book and the first time in weeks I felt something. "The Afterlife" Something to live for. Hope that this is not the end, hope that there is meaning in this life. Hope that I will meet you again. For a couple of hours I felt alive.

I went through this two years ago when me and Tom started talking, and he completely changed the person that I was. I was like every other person just living without the need of having a reason to. We talked for hours, conversation about how in one hundred years I won't be remembered and nothing I do now will have an affect on the future. Nothing exists, everything is just an idea, and everything is just an illusion. Things seemed simple for a while;

I am human, I am an animal

I have emotions; they are chemicals inside my brain

I live, for pleasure

School, I will grow up, get a job, provide myself with all the necessities to feel good

I am in a relationship; to feel good, about myself, about the world, mental, physical, all chemicals

6 billion people

You die, it doesn't matter, there are another 5 999 999 999 of you. Did I write that right?



I've been on the sobriety train for a while now; I can no longer write.

Standstill

It's been a while since I have written down anything that goes through my head. So much has changed, but so little really.
I have finally settled here in my school, the people are growing on me. I just feel like my mind is clouded. I went down to Haig yesterday, saw O, we're dating now by the way.. Feels so weird saying that. Am I doing the right thing?
Its so sad how my love for these people depends on how much I want to love someone at this point in my life. I don't even know if there are real feelings.

ah my fucking time ran out,
mind paid to rememberance day.

is there a point?

floating away isn't rough but it's 
not enough
oh marianne, pass me the joint
the sandpaper's tan
go-getters are surfing the point
and london's a scratch on the lens it's over before it begins.