2010, You were a bitch.

Its sort of an insane feeling thinking that 2010 is already over. Scary really. Am I really leaving this year, am I moving on, through this passage? Though it really is an amazing feeling. 

This year I will never forget. I can say it's been my worst because even when I was a little kid and shit got really bad I don't remember the whole year being like this.. But I can also say it has been one of the best. It has taught me more than I have learned in my whole life. It's been a wild fucking hurricane for most of us and for myself it's settling, with loss and with fear but it feels so good to have my feet on the ground again. 2010 is the beginning of my new journey and I've never been so excited to celebrate the beginning. With everything that has happened, I am so grateful to end up in a good place by the end. I thought I was lost, I thought it has all turned to stone, I thought.. I didn't think. I can finally say I am content. Maybe it's just the glory of the past two weeks but I'm living today.

Thanks to the girl who saved my life. Thanks to the strength it took to leave so many things behind. Thanks to the strength it took to get past the biggest fucking mountain. Thanks to these people I got to know. Thanks to realization and thanks to inspiration. Thanks to the people I can call friends, you're all I ever wished for. Thanks to the lights, the 6 am conversations, the laughter, the rides in the back of M's car, the drinks, the tears, the lessons, the lips, the early mornings, the stomach aches and the mornings I could wake up with a smile. Thanks to this air I breathe. And thank fucking god I got to 2011. Thank god for a new beginning. And thank all of you. You're all golden.

This is what I hate the most about myself..

Is how I let shitty people get to me. When I know I'm in the right, and believe me I can always admit my wrong. I don't understand why I let them rent free in my head. Maybe because I see you all the time, maybe because you were a part of my past. But you are not a part of my present and you are not a part of my future, so I don't see why I care to think about you the slightest bit. 

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud 
Que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux 
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serait-ce possible alors ?

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Parait qu'le bonheur est  porte de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit ...

Mais qui est-ce qui m'a dit que toujours tu m'aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus c'tait tard dans la nuit,
J'entends encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
"Il vous aime, c'est secret, lui dites pas que j'vous l'ai dit"
Tu vois quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore, me l'a-t-on vraiment dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, serait-ce possible alors ?

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos tristesses il s'en fait des manteaux,
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit que...

scream.

"ANXIETYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!11!!!!"

          "You're just a teenager, you're growing up, when I was your age I thought I was about to get locked up in a mental institution, I had panic attacks every weeks. Trust me, you're okay. I talked to a doctor and she told me that 90% of the globes population has gone through anxiety. And when I heard that, just that information made things seem like everything's fine. Just simple information. Some people go through this a bit earlier, like you Kate, people with more of an artistic mind, who think a lot, about everything. This just means you have feelings, Kate you're human. Just stay positive."

Changing, erthing

Sitting next to Sharon and I'm just really happy, I always am when I'm here.

There is just something so inspirational about people who's names start on S lately.

Especially Sams.

Sam Sam Sam

Sam Wolman

Oh I blogged about you should I be worried? What are you gonna think now?

Wait I don't care, just want you guys to know you inspire me.

When I fully give up on humanity I read your blog and I'm like.. Wait.. the Earth is still sprouting. 

Now I'm like should I delete this..

I was so fucking scared.

I'm not going to write much about this as I don't remember anything.. But I know it was hell. What the fuck is all this hype on Canadian healthcare? I had to wait for two fucking hours, crying my eyes out, laying on the floor. 

Then being put on some bed and needles everywhere, drifting off into a sleepless dream.. 

I guess I'm alright now. My back hurts so much. 24 hours of hell makes you appreciate things a bit more.

Moving to France.

Last Night..

I don't know if I can put it into words now. I cannot believe I sat there dreading it. Because last night was amazing.


In every aspect; Oli really lit up my night. I did not know women could be so smart, its like they were all put into one room yesterday. I can never view my friends the same way again after what her and Victor explained to me. This is actually quite enlightening, and a weight off my chest. They're right when they say that at 21 we're going to want that cash and that car and our own place. But we won't have that because when we were in highschool we were too busy trying to fight the whole world. We were too caught up in everything but what matters. And things do get better, you  just have to be patient, and that guy who is meant for you, he'll come along when the time is right. Which definitely isn't now.
Lena is the best. Honestly I've never met a woman like her, I'm in love. 
"Boys will always love you.
Boys will always need you.
Boys will love you for your eyes,
Boys will love you for your legs,
But your mama will need you no matter how fucked up you are."
Smiles!
So, men, who consciously and sub-consciously thrive off playing with our feelings, when something really bad happens why don't you just stop, say "Honey, you're right!" and do the complete opposite of what they expect you to do? Fuck with their heads. Because this boy who is in front of you right now, you won't get married to him. And you won't have kids with him. So have fun. Don't get all offensive and sensitive if he really hurt you. Just play. 
But what if he "reallllllyyy touched your heart"  and you still cant get past it and on and all that bullshit..Well you're a female aren't you? Make yourself a goal. Make him get used to your warmth and your caring personality and all your love and then just disappear. He'll love you forever. 


Okay I'm sorry if that sounds a bit cruel. We're all so fragile lately. But at the end of the day you have yourself to believe in. Only yourself. Oh and to all the pretty ladies, you know when sometimes it seems like your friends are just being a little rude and distant for no reason? Well stop trying to look for that reason within yourself, it's not your fault. Remember how old we are. Jealousy and bitchiness is prime. Don't let anything get to you, you're better than that. Because you're all beautiful and you've all gone through an awfully big adventure to get to where you're standing right now. You are your own person with a lot of positive attributes and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


Three bottles of martini champagne, big emerald earrings, lace tops, silk skirts, a million dollar venue. Theres a live band playing Hotel California. Theres a couple getting married.  I've never seen anyone dance as nice as T does. I remember I once said I don't believe in magic anymore. I remember I said I look for magic within people.

It makes me fucking sick to my stomach. Fuck you.

Surrender to me.

I don't think anything in the world has fractured my head more than having my heart taken away from me. Nothing damages a human like myself more than an explosion after explosion of feelings. Then the downfall. Now all this numbing and I'm finishing myself off.

Yeah I looked at his face and I knew he changed so my heart turned black and my skies turned gray. Well he can go to hell I'll never be the same :)

Runaway..

I'm really sick. And as good as I feel during the night I can't go on feeling like this during the day anymore. I'm always the one to tell people that these things we feel are 75% self inflicted.. But why can't I fight it? The only place in the world where I feel completely comfortable anymore is the hospital. I really don't want to make this sound all dramatic for anyone but its the only way I can say the truth. Surrounded by doctors, that's the only time my anxiety fades. Of course this is also the case when I'm with you but of course you can't always be here, and the last thing I want my disease to do is bring you down with me. As exciting as these past two years have been, I've traveled to hell and back and way too fast, and way too soon. I want to save my life. I'm fucking scared I don't know who to call. Who could listen? Who could understand? No one knows, because I have kept it inside for a very long time. Scrolling through my phone with lists of familiar names all resembling sorts of warm memories. But fear.. Fear with every letter. I stop at "Sharon" and my eyes begin to sting. What happened following the day you left Benson Street? I don't remember what these things were that happened to me in the past five years that once mattered so much. I don't even remember how they made me feel. These people and places. All I know is how I feel now. How it has all affected me. From the ending of the eight grade, when everything began to get sucked into this black hole I have been inhibiting ever since. Teenage years? Possibly. But I've been witnessing my friends in their 20s still stuck on this same path. How did you and I find such different paths to follow, S? Different isn't the word-opposite. Yet deep inside we are the same little scared children. I feel like you're the only one I can really talk to right now. Because you remember the one thing I have forgotten - my roots. You can remind me of those little pieces that will make everything luminous again. But here I am - not able to dial your number. 
Mamas scared, and so am I. It just hit me in the face. She wants to send me to a facility so I can get my perception of the world straight again as well as my priorities. Surprised? I'm dying to go. 
Or should I just wait till nightime? Should I just call S, or E? Am I looking in the wrong place.. I'll just read the journal we made in 04' and listen to the soundtracks I made back when... 
Why don't we end this lie?
I can't pretend this time. 
I need a friend to find my broken mind before it falls to pieces.
Every time you tried to leave me blind-
You'll never close my eyes and watch me die. 
My teachers said its just a phase, when I grow up my children will probably do the same,
Kids just love to tease, but know it put me underground at 17.

 

snowangels and rock stars

I actually fucking love you.


Tonight was amazing. How fucking awful was this morning? Fucking hell and backwards. You saved me. Tonight was somewhat beyond words. I am so thankful, to you, and to Kaylie, if you guys only knew. Images of the subway ride, lights passing, walking down the streets with huge snowflakes slowly falling and the lights from the skyscrapers reflecting in your big hazel eyes. Your smile, your hands, your voice. I can't believe a human is capable of making me feel such bliss.
That moment when you fell into the snow and I leaned over and the world faded and all that was around us was the sky and all the stars.. and your eyes..


I don't even know what else to say my mind is flooding.

Doctors..Doctors..

Mom.. I need three appointments.
Psychologist. Oh, you already made one? Alright..
Family doctors. I want meds. I want to be able to focus on my work.. I can't focus on anything.  I don't remember the last time I was able to keep still on one train of thought. I can't get to a solution this way, this whirlwind won't settle. It didn't use to be like this. I remember standing in my shower with the water hitting my face and being completely capable of forming clear thoughts and being capable of realizing reasons and causes. I was able to resolve my own problems and I knew why B felt the way he felt about us. That's why me and B were so flawless, I always kept an organized mind when it came to him and I. When did I lose it? This was two years ago. Now I'm staring at this page and I don't even remember all the things I was just about to write down. So I'm blaming it on ADD. I'm on my way to the doctor's office. Maybe she can fix me. That all I want- clarity.
Then I'm back to school to fail a test. I have been very sick, and this trying to get better has gotten in the way of this one subject that everyone in my family has always taken very seriously. Things were going good.. I hope I don't make the same mistakes I made last year. Don't forget your roots...

I get to see you today. I hope I don't burst into tears or anything ahaha.. But then again I hope I'm capable of feelings. What am I saying, of course I am.. I just forgot what it feels like when you're next to me. My memory span extends to a couple of hours.

i just wanted an answer..

suicide is no longer a sad topic but something enlightening and rather is a breath of fresh air

aokfjskjflksjflksjfljszfjopewsdssdf

I actually don't mind this emotionless haze of insanity.
It works for me, I just can't control myself.


Bell Jar

Don't stop don't stop don't stop don't stop...

The smell of your hair the breathing hard and heavy
The back of your neck
Wrists
Flushed cheeks
Bruised hips
Skin
Swollen lips
Fingerprints 
Bliss


i guess it doesn't matter if it ever means anything

Shadows

It's a Monday, I'm not even awake right now.

I'm doing a pretty good job at letting it out over here though;

My Picture Blog

So that's what's going through my head right now..

Long nights, smoke breaks, your hands..

I feel calm but maybe I'm just exhausted or just dumb.

So much work, everything is scheduled out, order, order, and these emotions are a whirlwind in my path. But I like where this whirlwind takes me. Off the path, into the forest, past the river into the field where I lay staring at the blue sky with my eyes closed because the sun is so bright and warm. 

"For all I have said about life, I want you to know that all I ever really needed was you - your love, your presence - to make my life complete."

Another Night Out With The Kooks

Ah heading to Moose and Firkin to celebrate Ds and Js birthdays.. I don't even need to remind myself how amazing tonight is going to be. Its the same everytime I walk into the bar, the smiles, I am so proud to call these people my friends. The best part are the conversations. I can't find another word except intelligent, the moment they open their mouths I remember the reason to why we are friends. How they save me from the mediocre world I inhibit. 

Except my mother ruined the rush for me.. But it's all right, cause that got fixed with 30 dollars and Alfie's face. 

Lights, music, laughter, girls in the bathroom with powder all over their nose.. 

Please don't do this.. You're my best friend. I guess if you do it I'll do it too. One...two..three.. I can't even look anyone in the eye anymore. It tastes like death but it looks like fun.

So it starts sometime around midnight,

As I stand under the bar light, and the piano's this melancholy soundtrack to his smile.

And the way his hair looks, I haven't seen him for a while.

But I know that he's watching, he's laughing he's turning he's holding his drink like a crux.

The rooms suddenly spinning,I walk up and asks how you are,

So I can smell his cologne I can see myself laying in your arms,

And so there's a change in my emotions, and all these memories come rushing like feral waves to my mind, of the curl of our bodies like two perfect circled entwined, and I feel hopeless and homeless and lost in the haze of the wine.

And my friends say what is it you look like you've just seen a ghost, then I walk under the streetlights and I'm too drunk to notice that everyone is staring at me.

I just have to see him, I know that he'll break me in two.

At the Juice Bar..

I can't lie.. I lost count.

I really fucked up, it felt so good and I fell out of track. Gotta get back up.. Gotta get back up.. But you keep pushing me down. Because its safe down here and all you want is for me to be okay.. But sure as hell I can't give up now. I need to fight for this, so we can fit together better as puzzle pieces to this story's front cover. Because I want us. But things changed didn't they..
It is the way you described it, the intimacy, everything feels so good about this except you.. You changed. In a way, you're doing a lot better now. Its like you aged and matured in a month. But here is where you don't need my help anymore. You're almost figured out and I know everything will be alright with you, in the short run at least. 

Remember you asked me if you are just another project to me? A project to complete, polish, and give myself the a grade for the feeling of self accomplishment. Whether or not there is true love behind this goal I am trying to achieve? I think this is where we get our answer. Here, or this week or this month. You’re a lot better, and it took less time than I assumed, so once its complete and ready to be handed in.. Will you and I remain us or just you and I? Because now I'm just wondering, do you even need me emotionally now? Or is it physical, like all your past addictions.

Just because I need you, doesn't mean Top of FormTop of FormI'm lost.

sunrise

Ah fuck why aren't you writing? I need you to write it gets me through the day. 

You're acting in a way.. but I can't lie I like it. 

You say the perfect things and you act the perfect way as if you know exactly what you're doing.  You're mine, right? You belong to me? I don't usually feel this way when you talk about A, but the fact that she calls you makes me angry. Seeing E face to face made me furious. This is golden.. this is golden...

I just can't stand the idea of belonging to anyone.

One dark surprise after another..

But really not a surprise at all..


I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
You're looking skinny like a model
Just keep going to the bathroom always say you'll be right back
Well it takes one to know one kid, I think you've got it bad.


But what's so simple in the moonlight but the morning never is.


I've got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train, and if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same.
We may die from medication, but we sure have killed all the pain,
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane.


And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this,
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did.


It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live.
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, now it's so complicated..




Here we are again. Here is that feeling, here is the sting and here I feel normal again because when things feel too good to be true; they are. I know things are really hard right now, I know the world seems to be collapsing under our feet but I also can't believe that this is still the way you are dealing with it.. Today I forgot I was alive. I just kept calling you wishing to hear your voice, wishing to be brought back to life. How much I feel like I know you when we are together, the hope you give me.. I really don't know what goes on inside your head at all. And that feeling, was it real at all? Because I feel something when you touch me, something that you're trying to hide, something that is more than what you intended for me to feel. You're my ladder to a better reality.. But I feel like I'm walking in the dark. I keep taking steps, up the staircase, almost as if I'm climbing so fast that I forget to stop and notice all the cracks that may bring us down when we are at the top. I really thought we were close. With all the effort and pain that has been poured out in the past week. I was walking up the staircase, thinking that there is one more stair than there is. But it wasn't there. You forgot, maybe you never knew. My foot fell down, through the air and there was a sickly moment of dark surprise. Now I'm here, trying to readjust the way I thought of things.

December

I can't really place myself right now. Not with you, not with friends, not with long nights and short breaths. I know I love you, and that is all I know or sure of at this time. Things will change, I'm just awaiting the next kick.. But I'm alright with where it takes us because I know how I feel about you.

Friday morning I really cherished every moment, hope you can comprehend the way I value you. One look, a few words, a smile.. You send me to my heaven, sanctuary, and the world is quiet here. My ultimate goal being to make you feel just as good. We were together and nothing mattered, that is my favorite thing about us is you make me feel like I'm staying this young forever. Infinite. Or at least like this moment is all that exists. 

All those moments we could have shared later that night.. LSDream was amazing. The music, the pit, I felt like it really brought people closer together, the people I wanted closer. It was an amazing night. Really, unforgettable just like last years. Everyone; smiles and conversation and pure joy. I wish the few people that really lit up my night knew how much I need more of them. 

A few hours ago we were at Skins which turned out to be pretty good, it was a sweet atmosphere.  Some things just still come to me as a shock. This fucking generation, keeps racing..

Lights
Dubstep
Close your eyes, take my hand, we'll forget anything ever existed.
Bnow you're not picking up your phone. I hope things are not too bad I hope it doesn't hurt too bad because I love you so much it stings me imagining you hurting. I'm really scared of the next time I'll be speaking to you.. Fuck. Methamphetamine.. Cheers.

Now its 4:30 am and I'm laying in Ella's bed and listening to whispering. Drifting.. Drifting.. I love you.

Life Sized Dream

I can't even put tonight into words. Fucking rush, that's what it was. Moment into moment, the music, friends, lights, so fucking good. Memories memories memories. And you...ah.

On Melancholy Hill

I don't know what clicked in my brainm last night, but I love this. I found my way back into love and I'm not planning ono moving. Me, Kate, after months, years, I finally found a flower in a field of weeds. I can finally smile at people, with understanding and warmth.

I want to thank you.

Can You Tell Blue Skies From Pain?

On my 5th shot, writing just got a little better but I can't escape this nostalgic feeling. I can't stop thinking about all those moments in the past when I felt alive and I truly smiled. You have no idea how much I wish I still had you around. I never tell anyone what it's like. But one day feels like three years without you. Please take me twelve years back. For a week, for a day. I've been so lost without you.

How I wish you were here..

We're just two lost sould swimming in a fish bowl year after year,
running after the same old ground what have you found?
Same old fears..
How I wish you were here.