Trouble in Paradise

I thought by dating someone older I was ridding myself of all the second-guessing games. I thought when in true love my paranoia could rest easy. But here I am, laying in my bed, with my eyes wide open in so called love, trying everything in the book to put myself to sleep because I am too anxious, scared, and angry. Why are you doing this to me? I thought by taking the plunge and entering this relationship I had made sure I would never feel that weight on my chest, that shortage of breath a nd that haviness behind my eyes ever again. Maybe I don't understand love, maybe I'm too weak for it.

Because I felt my world collapsing for six hours.. six hours while he was... sleeping.

snejinka

The snow is already falling,
It took so long to come but in my mind it rushed,
In my mind it was just yesterday that I was under my Turkish sun,
My bronze skin and salty air,
Just yesterday it was pricking so much to leave.
I would give anything for that feeling,
But it's already snowing,
Seasons change too fast,
I hope I can get through this winter with something to look forward to.

August 2011...

I’m not an outgoing person either, it’s hard for me to find people who I think are interesting or people who understand me. Also I have a hard time explaining my feelings to others so I prefer to avoid feeling anything at all. I don’t understand my own feelings, and that is why I felt so hesitant. I am afraid of what I might feel when I am on a plane for three hours. I don’t like Canada because I haven’t been truly happy since I left Russia 8 years ago. But every time I go overseas, I find happiness. I hope you understand that I wanted to stay with you longer but unfortunately the happier I am here in Turkey, the sadder I will be when I go back to Canada. That is my problem and I am sorry. This is why I don’t let myself get too happy, because I am afraid of how I will feel when it’s over. 

It's only been three months yet it feels like years. 
Time flies, making me fear the thought that my life may seem too short if I spend it in love.
But this is how I intend to.
It's good and getting better.
Knock knock knock.

Reset

I'll be your wall, you are my destiny 
Be with me, and be yourself.
You are mine, you are collected.
I'll Be your dream, build a house for you,
Be with me, and be simple.
You are my ... modern one.
I'll Be your hero, and you my star,
Be with me, sing with soul.
You are my ... feminine.
All that was before me, reset
Life is a sea, we'll go diving.
Just you go ahead, trust me,
And we'll teleport straight to heaven.
You are the one who is beating in my chest ...
And I'm flying.
Here is such a dumb chorus of my love.
For you..
In addition to your curlers, there is the human world,
Be mine, welcome our guests in.
You are my ... unpredictable.
Ahead are many days, and together we are stronger.
Be mine, stop caring about everything.
You are mine... so unreal.
We have a parallel, and at the bottom of a lot of stones,
Be mine, among these seas.
You are my ... you're the one.
All that was before me, reset.
Life is a sea, we'll go diving.
Just you go ahead, trust me,
And we'll teleport straight to heaven.
You are the one of who is beating in my chest ...
And I'm flying.
Here is such a dumb chorus of my love.
For you.

The beginning of the year and I’m already ceasing to care. It’s been a good start but after this summer I just feel incapable of writing essays or paying attention to things with no sentimental meaning to me. Love has also been one great distraction. There have been these terrible thoughts of dropping out and working and just throwing my life away. I need to get my head back out of the gutter. What scares me the most, is once again I’m not sure where these feelings are coming from or how to deal with them. That’s the one thing about my life is all the timing is off. All the right things at all the wrong times. Then again maybe there is a reason and a place for everything.

Been getting higher, been feeling better. But never losing my head.

Here is the truth about September

it sneaks up on you and all of a sudden it's autumn
and you don't know what to do with your recently orphaned august daydreams
so you tuck them between the pages of brand new notebooks
and leave them in he corners of your sweatshirt pockets to gather lint
and you set them on fire until all the trees are smouldering red and orange and yellow.

Can love be measured by the hours in a day?

What the fuck are you so afraid of?

No more pussy footing around your feelings, you're my girl.


I'm everything I've told people not to be.
I am so fucking afraid it's disgusting. I need to fucking LET GO.

Got a message from Turkey today..

I can begin work in June. 
Time to start figuring things out a year ahead. This is so frightening. This is so enlightening. 


For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it is ourselves we find in the sea.