so its summer yeah?

I have been in my area, but recently made up with someone I have hardly spoken to in half a year. Feels good. 


There is also a boy, who wanted me to blog about him, ahahhaa. Hopefully seeing him tomorrow night. So far it's been perfect, slow, calm, amazing. My friends have also been here for me, I was just with H and last night with my amazing baby A. This weekend seeing L and B tomorrow and etc.


All I need is a good coffee date with Bails tomorrow, some thrift store shopping and etc. I know I'll be happy. Especially if I see... Anthony.
I know someone is special when I can reveal their name on my blog. 


Drum circle two nights ago, I'm seeing people I haven't seen in months, life is changing again, summers going smooth, so much inspiration from everywhere. Well, I just finished watching Fight Club, second night in a row. Am I not a confusing writer?

so much has changed

The boy I mentioned in my previous entry is done for except the seldom nights in his basement and the adventures we made there. I'm trying to put an end to that too. It just didn't work out. I need to be treated  good. I want something serious. I want a boyfriend and a good one. Someone with a plan. I also miss his arms. Time to time. I miss being wanted by him, I miss his smile when he came close to my face. It ended so suddenly, but it's okay. I'll see you around, I'll see you on the stairs.
But I'm onto something better, I think. Because what we had was good for moments of euphoria and other things that led to a mess. The sparkle of your eyes, the way your arms grew  bigger when you held me, my fingers tracing the familiar tattoo on your chest, the sound of your voice, but he does it so much better than you can.

Cool, Calm, Collected

I'M GOING INSANE


summer
summer
summer
liter of strawberry wine
two bottles
cider
josh?
fuck
where are you guys?
come over
more beer
where is josh?
oh
hey josh
okay im going home josh
okay
see you later
inhale exhale inhale inhale inhale
stop
breathe 

thoughs a mess

I don't even know what's going on right now, mom is being quiet and.. nice? No news though. Everything is okay, I just need a job. I might be going back to an old habit for the summer. It's getting bad fast but I got  it. I got all the people I want around me, I'm living life the way I wanted. Or is this an illusion from the wake and bake! Burrr..

Boy's being quiet. Little kid.

I need someone who will make me feel secure.

I want out.


Last night mom came home with documents showing that I will be spending a month in some camp and will be escorted there by police. What have I done? Sorry my friend ashed on your dirty deck, sorry you had to beat the shit out of me for it, sorry I pushed you. A month of my summer that I needed so badly you're just going to rip out of my life? I needed what I have right now, these days are filled with such disaster. How did it get this bad?


I'm going to regret saying this but I think I might be in love. 
Then on some days I'll laugh that thought off.
Either way this love isn't saving my life.


Written on the hood of that cop car; "Don't forget to dream".

Bittersweet.

I'm sorry I somewhat abandoned you for a bit... School was ending and I was busy with looking for ways to get money, spending time with a certain someone and my friends.
I've fallen hard, again.
But this time he's helping me forget all the bullshit the past year has brought upon my life. 
There are ups and downs but in general he's amazing.
It's been confusing but I always come back to him.
We aint official but it's a beginning. 


Summer's warmth, big arms
Coffee and smoky staircases 
Lakes, the sunrays
Coca Cola
Deep like ovaries.

"me and my latest boy decided to go our separate ways" why did you separate

umm... in the period of about three weeks i fell really deep into it and it just didnt fulfill my needs. i was too in love with what could have been but not what we actually had. im still not completely sure why it ended, i guess we gave up.

Ask me anything

Happy Fathers Day...

Eleven years have gone so fast.

Day to day I never realize how much I need you. How lost I am without you. How hard I try to find a man to replace the security you once gave me. 

I try so hard to remember you. The time I could actually think of and say "Those were the good times"

Save a place in heaven, till the next time we meet, forever.

Cause I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon, 250, 000 miles and a clear night in June, and I'm so lost without you.

wow

im really into you

"Take Care of Yourself"

Wayne, he always tells me that. Every time I tell him what is wrong, everytime I walk away with disappointment written across my face. Just take care of yourself. Because who else will?

"80% of people don't care, the other 20% are happy you have those problems"

Is that really how it is? Cause that is what is has always been. I remember I was nine years old and I told my mom that in reality no one cares about anyone and everyone will always put themselves first. Even when you are putting another person over yourself it is for your own satisfaction. Your own good. Ahh whatever.

The past week has been good. Captain Blacks, coffee and friends. A boy, who I thought was leaving my life in August is here for another half a year. I'm happy. Except for the fact that my mom can't see me with him.

Then there's someone else who makes me feel like things are complete. Makes me smile, he's beautiful. But it's the same case with him. Here it goes again; freedom? What is that?

I hope I see Bailey this weekend. I need a good drink and a good friend.